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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Toronto Raptors Think Of Really Good Comeback 10 Minutes After Losing Game

TORONTO—Despite losing their home matchup against Philadelphia 75-93 Wednesday, the Toronto Raptors told reporters later they had an easy path to a victory, but their "really good" idea for a comeback only came to them 10 minutes after the final buzzer. "We're kicking ourselves now, because it's so simple when you think about it," said Raptors center Aaron Gray, who, along with his teammates, came to the sudden realization when standing in the locker room showers. "Man, I could have just jumped up and stole the ball when Jrue Holiday made that pass to Elton Brand with 6:54 on the clock and dished it ahead to Andrea [Bargnani] for an easy dunk. Then one of us could have stolen the inbounds, no-looked it to Jerryd [Bayless] in the corner for an open three, forced them to take a contested jumper on the next possession at the buzzer for an air ball, taken it down and set up DeMar [DeRozan] for a backdoor cut off my screen, and boom, we're going into timeout with a one-possession game. I guess it's easy when you think about it now." Despite the incredibly lucid realization, the Raptors admitted they had "absolutely no idea"how the team has won any of its 20 victories this season.

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