Toronto Raptors Think Of Really Good Comeback 10 Minutes After Losing Game

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Toronto Raptors Think Of Really Good Comeback 10 Minutes After Losing Game

TORONTO—Despite losing their home matchup against Philadelphia 75-93 Wednesday, the Toronto Raptors told reporters later they had an easy path to a victory, but their "really good" idea for a comeback only came to them 10 minutes after the final buzzer. "We're kicking ourselves now, because it's so simple when you think about it," said Raptors center Aaron Gray, who, along with his teammates, came to the sudden realization when standing in the locker room showers. "Man, I could have just jumped up and stole the ball when Jrue Holiday made that pass to Elton Brand with 6:54 on the clock and dished it ahead to Andrea [Bargnani] for an easy dunk. Then one of us could have stolen the inbounds, no-looked it to Jerryd [Bayless] in the corner for an open three, forced them to take a contested jumper on the next possession at the buzzer for an air ball, taken it down and set up DeMar [DeRozan] for a backdoor cut off my screen, and boom, we're going into timeout with a one-possession game. I guess it's easy when you think about it now." Despite the incredibly lucid realization, the Raptors admitted they had "absolutely no idea"how the team has won any of its 20 victories this season.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close