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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Torre, Steinbrenner Have Most Awkward Bathroom Encounter Of Their Lives

NEW YORK—The tension and unspoken hostility between Yankees manager Joe Torre and owner George Steinbrenner following the New York Yankees' elimination from the 2007 postseason created the most awkward bathroom encounter yet in their long association, men's room sources reported Monday. "George was already in [the bathroom] standing at the urinal, and when Joe opened the door and saw him, it was as if the room had the air completely sucked out of it," said office manager Derrick Glass, adding that the situation became more uncomfortable when, after realizing all the stalls were occupied, Torre was required to use the urinal next to Steinbrenner's. "They briefly acknowledged one another, but I would call their nods of greeting curt at best." According to Glass, the tension was broken ever so slightly when general manager Brian Cashman entered and attempted to put all present at ease by saying "So, this is awkward."

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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