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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Torrent Of Soap Issues From Wildly Unexpected Part Of Dispenser

LIMA, OH—A wall-mounted soap dispenser in the men’s bathroom of Rigali’s Pizza Village reportedly startled local resident Sam Milsom on Monday night, discharging a copious jet of soap from an entirely unexpected location.

Milsom confirmed that when he attempted to operate the dispenser, a torrent of foamy white hand cleanser discharged from a site drastically higher on the device than any normal person could have reasonably foreseen, defying his expectations and causing him to recoil in surprise.

“Jesus!” said the 29-year-old, in reaction to the hygienic gel’s expulsion, the velocity, volume, and origin of which were all far different than he had anticipated. “What the fuck?”

“I thought it was going to come out the bottom,” he added.

According to Milsom, while preparing to sanitize his hands, he looked directly at the black Enco model 328-6002 soap-dispensing unit affixed to the right of the restroom’s sink, noting nothing that appeared unusual or amiss to him about the device or its manner of function.

Still unaware of what was to come, the man then reportedly cupped his left palm directly below the mechanism while using his right hand to depress a three-inch-wide convex plastic button labeled “PUSH” at the top of the apparatus.

“I was just about to wash my hands,” the man told reporters, adding that his preparations, he believed, had ideally positioned him to receive a small quantity of soap from the bottom of the machine, which he then intended to combine with water from the nearby faucet to create a suitable lather for cleaning his palms and fingers. “It looked like a normal soap thing.”

However, in the jarring series of events that ensued, Milsom reported that a stream of foam was expelled outward from the device at an oblique angle, some of which reportedly grazed his left sleeve, while the remainder cleared his arm entirely and cascaded onto the washroom’s tile floor.

Milsom then reportedly alternated his gaze between the soap puddle and the dispenser in utter bafflement.

“Some of it got on my shirt,” said Milsom, who stated that the dispenser’s behavior was a stark departure from longstanding precedent established by hundreds of similar mechanisms he had encountered in the past. “Now my shirt’s all messed up. Oh, man.”

According to Milsom, locations on the device from which it would have made logical sense for soap to emit included the area that he referred to as “the usual place” at the bottom of the dispenser, as well as anywhere that was either labeled or contained a clearly visible nozzle.

Notably absent from the list of sensible soap-dispensing locations, Milson noted, was a seemingly inexplicable plastic hood-like component located near the top of the device, precisely the part of the dispenser that was, in fact, responsible for the errant blast of cleanser.

At press time, Milsom was frenziedly waving his hands around the base of the bathroom’s automatic paper towel dispenser in a prolonged attempt to activate its motion sensor.

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