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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Torrent Of Soap Issues From Wildly Unexpected Part Of Dispenser

LIMA, OH—A wall-mounted soap dispenser in the men’s bathroom of Rigali’s Pizza Village reportedly startled local resident Sam Milsom on Monday night, discharging a copious jet of soap from an entirely unexpected location.

Milsom confirmed that when he attempted to operate the dispenser, a torrent of foamy white hand cleanser discharged from a site drastically higher on the device than any normal person could have reasonably foreseen, defying his expectations and causing him to recoil in surprise.

“Jesus!” said the 29-year-old, in reaction to the hygienic gel’s expulsion, the velocity, volume, and origin of which were all far different than he had anticipated. “What the fuck?”

“I thought it was going to come out the bottom,” he added.

According to Milsom, while preparing to sanitize his hands, he looked directly at the black Enco model 328-6002 soap-dispensing unit affixed to the right of the restroom’s sink, noting nothing that appeared unusual or amiss to him about the device or its manner of function.

Still unaware of what was to come, the man then reportedly cupped his left palm directly below the mechanism while using his right hand to depress a three-inch-wide convex plastic button labeled “PUSH” at the top of the apparatus.

“I was just about to wash my hands,” the man told reporters, adding that his preparations, he believed, had ideally positioned him to receive a small quantity of soap from the bottom of the machine, which he then intended to combine with water from the nearby faucet to create a suitable lather for cleaning his palms and fingers. “It looked like a normal soap thing.”

However, in the jarring series of events that ensued, Milsom reported that a stream of foam was expelled outward from the device at an oblique angle, some of which reportedly grazed his left sleeve, while the remainder cleared his arm entirely and cascaded onto the washroom’s tile floor.

Milsom then reportedly alternated his gaze between the soap puddle and the dispenser in utter bafflement.

“Some of it got on my shirt,” said Milsom, who stated that the dispenser’s behavior was a stark departure from longstanding precedent established by hundreds of similar mechanisms he had encountered in the past. “Now my shirt’s all messed up. Oh, man.”

According to Milsom, locations on the device from which it would have made logical sense for soap to emit included the area that he referred to as “the usual place” at the bottom of the dispenser, as well as anywhere that was either labeled or contained a clearly visible nozzle.

Notably absent from the list of sensible soap-dispensing locations, Milson noted, was a seemingly inexplicable plastic hood-like component located near the top of the device, precisely the part of the dispenser that was, in fact, responsible for the errant blast of cleanser.

At press time, Milsom was frenziedly waving his hands around the base of the bathroom’s automatic paper towel dispenser in a prolonged attempt to activate its motion sensor.

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