WATKINS GLEN, NY—In an announcement with dire implications for future munching, couch-based snacker Randall Boles confirmed Monday that his personal tortilla-chip supply has fallen to "dangerously low" levels.
"I have already been forced to resort to drastic chip-rationing measures," Boles told reporters. "If relief chips are not delivered within the next 30 to 40 minutes, my supply will be exhausted and a state of snack famine will exist."
Boles' supply, a 14 1/2-ounce bag of Tostitos-brand White Corn restaurant-style tortilla chips, was widely expected to last through the entirety of Boles' Monday-night TV viewing, from Judge Joe Brown at 7 p.m. to Forgive Or Forget at 1:30 a.m. Tuesday. But severe chip mismanagement on Boles' part caused the supply to become depleted far ahead of schedule, sometime around 9:40 p.m.
"Usually when Boles consumes snack chips for the purpose of enhancing audiovisual entertainment via orally administered gustatory stimuli, he judiciously conserves his supply, chewing and swallowing each chip before reaching for a second," Dr. Morris Cruczek said. "But this time, he was recklessly filling his mouth with fistfuls of chips, putting in new pieces before previous ones had even been fully chewed. Exacerbating the problem was his inexplicable failure to supply himself with an ice-cold beverage, the consumption of which would have created periods of chip disuse and thereby extended the lifespan of his supply."
According to Frito-Lay's Roland Krall, a number of emergency options remain open to Boles, but none are pleasant.
"The use of bean or processed-cheese dip can be an effective chip-supply extension measure," Krall said, "but in Boles' case, all that remains are broken chip shards in the range of one-third to one-fourth of a whole chip. Dip-scooping with pieces that small would require exceptionally deft chipsmanship, and I'm honestly not certain Mr. Boles is up to the task. Plus, the amount of mental effort such an endeavor would require would likely exceed the amount of pleasure the snacking process is intended to provide in the first place."
As a last-ditch option, Krall said Boles could shake the near-empty cellophane bag, collecting the smallest chip fragments and salt crystals into one corner, and then tilt the bag, pouring the resultant debris into his mouth.
"It would not be pretty by any stretch of the imagination," Krall said, "but if so driven, Boles could thus extract one last burst of crunchy corn goodness from his dying Tostito supply."
Regardless of what extreme measures Boles may be forced to take, the struggling snacker urged others to learn from his folly.
"I ignored the risks, and now it is too late to fix the problem painlessly," said Boles, searching his fingernails for overlooked Tostito particles. "Conserve your chips. Do not end up like me."