Tortilla-Chip Supply Dwindling, Reports Man On Couch

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Vol 35 Issue 08

Granta Derided By Philistines

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Granta, the award-winning quarterly literary magazine that features the finest in fiction, non-fiction, memoirs, interviews, essays and reportage, was derided Monday by a group of ignorant, uncultured philistines. "I was sitting in a local sub shop, enjoying a devastatingly witty Saul Bellow piece in the latest Granta, when I distinctly heard three philistines at the next table mocking my choice of reading material," said University of North Carolina graduate student Ira Green. "Apparently, there's something about engrossing, top-notch writing that these three primitives find amusing."

Slight Inconsistency Found In Bible

STILLWATER, OK—The world's theological community is in an uproar following Monday's discovery of a slight inconsistency in the Bible. "I was reading Jeremiah 17:4, in which God says, 'Ye have kindled a fire in mine anger, which shall burn forever,'" said Pastor Theodore Strait of First Lutheran Church in Stillwater. "And I immediately recalled Jeremiah 3:12, which says, 'For I am merciful, saith the Lord, and I will not keep anger forever.' I thought, how can this possibly be? The Bible, contradicting itself?" Biblical scholars are scrambling to explain the strange paradox, believed to be the first time a passage in the Bible has been found to contain flaws in logic.

Area Man Not Exactly Sure Why Doctor Needed Him Undressed For That

OREM, UT—A routine visit to the doctor ended in confusion Monday when Ray Lyons was asked to undress for an examination that did not seem to require disrobing. "He asked me about my smoking and my sleep patterns and stuff, then he looked in my ears and throat, and checked my heartbeat with his stethoscope, and that was it," the baffled, nude Lyons said. "Would having my pants on somehow affect my heartbeat?"

Fox Ordered To Cancel Upcoming When Presidents Are Assassinated Live Special

WASHINGTON, DC—The White House and the FBI have ordered Fox to cancel Friday's When Presidents Are Assassinated live television special. "I'm disappointed, to say the least," Fox vice-president of programming Warren Davidoff said of the one-hour prime-time event's cancellation. "Presidential assassinations are an unfortunate fact of life in this country, and the American public has a right to see what really happens when a president is gunned down in cold blood."

Porn Actress Very Nearly Appears To Enjoy Ejaculation In Face

LOS ANGELES—Detachment and boredom were very nearly concealed Monday when 1.5 ounces of semen were ejaculated into the face of adult-film star Brittany Silk, 20, on the set of Butt-Fuck Sluts Go Nuts Vol. 31, forthcoming from Mustang Entertainment. "Brittany really did a great job with that scene," director Rodney Campos said. "She practically made it look like she loved having [co-star] Rick [Steed] shoot his hot, steaming load all over her face."

Babes In The Woods

It is Day 12 of my precipitous fall into destitution and subsequent flight from justice. Imagine—I, T. Herman Zweibel (or rather, my alias, Herman T. Zwiebel), once the richest and most powerful plutocrat in the Republic, must now fight for survival in the desolate wilderness. Even my liberty is in peril: I am the target of a man-hunt, because, by abandoning my lost estate, I am in defiance of the court-order that confined me there. O Fate! What a cruel mistress you are!
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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Tortilla-Chip Supply Dwindling, Reports Man On Couch

WATKINS GLEN, NY—In an announcement with dire implications for future munching, couch-based snacker Randall Boles confirmed Monday that his personal tortilla-chip supply has fallen to "dangerously low" levels.

Watkins Glen snacker Randall Boles, whose supply of Tostitos is fast approaching critically low levels.

"I have already been forced to resort to drastic chip-rationing measures," Boles told reporters. "If relief chips are not delivered within the next 30 to 40 minutes, my supply will be exhausted and a state of snack famine will exist."

Boles' supply, a 14 1/2-ounce bag of Tostitos-brand White Corn restaurant-style tortilla chips, was widely expected to last through the entirety of Boles' Monday-night TV viewing, from Judge Joe Brown at 7 p.m. to Forgive Or Forget at 1:30 a.m. Tuesday. But severe chip mismanagement on Boles' part caused the supply to become depleted far ahead of schedule, sometime around 9:40 p.m.

"Usually when Boles consumes snack chips for the purpose of enhancing audiovisual entertainment via orally administered gustatory stimuli, he judiciously conserves his supply, chewing and swallowing each chip before reaching for a second," Dr. Morris Cruczek said. "But this time, he was recklessly filling his mouth with fistfuls of chips, putting in new pieces before previous ones had even been fully chewed. Exacerbating the problem was his inexplicable failure to supply himself with an ice-cold beverage, the consumption of which would have created periods of chip disuse and thereby extended the lifespan of his supply."

According to Frito-Lay's Roland Krall, a number of emergency options remain open to Boles, but none are pleasant.

"The use of bean or processed-cheese dip can be an effective chip-supply extension measure," Krall said, "but in Boles' case, all that remains are broken chip shards in the range of one-third to one-fourth of a whole chip. Dip-scooping with pieces that small would require exceptionally deft chipsmanship, and I'm honestly not certain Mr. Boles is up to the task. Plus, the amount of mental effort such an endeavor would require would likely exceed the amount of pleasure the snacking process is intended to provide in the first place."

As a last-ditch option, Krall said Boles could shake the near-empty cellophane bag, collecting the smallest chip fragments and salt crystals into one corner, and then tilt the bag, pouring the resultant debris into his mouth.

"It would not be pretty by any stretch of the imagination," Krall said, "but if so driven, Boles could thus extract one last burst of crunchy corn goodness from his dying Tostito supply."

Regardless of what extreme measures Boles may be forced to take, the struggling snacker urged others to learn from his folly.

"I ignored the risks, and now it is too late to fix the problem painlessly," said Boles, searching his fingernails for overlooked Tostito particles. "Conserve your chips. Do not end up like me."

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