Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer

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Vol 49 Issue 48

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Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer

The complete and utter dork works on one of his little computer programs.
The complete and utter dork works on one of his little computer programs.

PROVIDENCE, RI—Matthew Jorgensen, a complete and total nerd who sources speculate likely has no tangible social life, actually both owns and regularly uses his own personal computer, reports from those with knowledge of Jorgensen’s geeky hobby confirmed Tuesday.

Sources have confirmed that the 27-year-old dweeb not only uses the computing device itself regularly throughout the day, but has installed numerous “programs” on the gizmo that perform a number of tasks witnesses have described as “unbearably dorky.”

“I see him come in every morning with this dumb little gizmo of his, and then he proceeds to spend literally all day pressing little buttons on his computer and ‘punching in data’ or whatever nerdy shit he’s doing with that thing,” coworker Mark Samson told reporters, stressing that the geek actually said the machine was essential to his daily routine. “He’ll ‘boot it up’ right when he gets into the office, type in a special, secret password, and compute, I guess. It’s the lamest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“The poor egghead’s probably still a virgin,” Samson added.

According to reports, the tech-obsessed poindexter not only uses the gadget for work purposes, but also actually brings it home for his own personal use every night, where he uses it for hours on end to access personalized data and write pathetic little electro-messages in a word processor.

Sources also added that Jorgensen regularly consorts with fellow computer-owning dorks, engaging in a regular dweeb extravaganza anytime he meets one in person as they talk about information they accessed and shared that week on the computers they own.

“It’s like, how big of a dweeb do you have to be in order to go out to some computer store in God knows where and spend a bunch of money to get your very own computer to tinker on?” neighbor Greg Pierceson told reporters. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, Matthew seems like a perfectly nice guy and everything, but man oh man, talk about a nerd alert. He’s even got a little bag he uses to carry his computer around, in case he needs to do any important computing on his software programs or whatever while he’s on the go.”

When reached for comment, Jorgensen himself appeared undeterred by the negative perception of his computer-using habits, even going out of his way to tell others of the many applications he has for the device.

“Yeah, my computer’s really great,” the complete fucking dorkwad told reporters as he scanned through a computerized list of messages from fellow nerds. “I mean, I can hardly imagine life without it.”

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