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Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer

The complete and utter dork works on one of his little computer programs.
The complete and utter dork works on one of his little computer programs.

PROVIDENCE, RI—Matthew Jorgensen, a complete and total nerd who sources speculate likely has no tangible social life, actually both owns and regularly uses his own personal computer, reports from those with knowledge of Jorgensen’s geeky hobby confirmed Tuesday.

Sources have confirmed that the 27-year-old dweeb not only uses the computing device itself regularly throughout the day, but has installed numerous “programs” on the gizmo that perform a number of tasks witnesses have described as “unbearably dorky.”

“I see him come in every morning with this dumb little gizmo of his, and then he proceeds to spend literally all day pressing little buttons on his computer and ‘punching in data’ or whatever nerdy shit he’s doing with that thing,” coworker Mark Samson told reporters, stressing that the geek actually said the machine was essential to his daily routine. “He’ll ‘boot it up’ right when he gets into the office, type in a special, secret password, and compute, I guess. It’s the lamest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“The poor egghead’s probably still a virgin,” Samson added.

According to reports, the tech-obsessed poindexter not only uses the gadget for work purposes, but also actually brings it home for his own personal use every night, where he uses it for hours on end to access personalized data and write pathetic little electro-messages in a word processor.

Sources also added that Jorgensen regularly consorts with fellow computer-owning dorks, engaging in a regular dweeb extravaganza anytime he meets one in person as they talk about information they accessed and shared that week on the computers they own.

“It’s like, how big of a dweeb do you have to be in order to go out to some computer store in God knows where and spend a bunch of money to get your very own computer to tinker on?” neighbor Greg Pierceson told reporters. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, Matthew seems like a perfectly nice guy and everything, but man oh man, talk about a nerd alert. He’s even got a little bag he uses to carry his computer around, in case he needs to do any important computing on his software programs or whatever while he’s on the go.”

When reached for comment, Jorgensen himself appeared undeterred by the negative perception of his computer-using habits, even going out of his way to tell others of the many applications he has for the device.

“Yeah, my computer’s really great,” the complete fucking dorkwad told reporters as he scanned through a computerized list of messages from fellow nerds. “I mean, I can hardly imagine life without it.”

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