Totally Hot Chick Also Way Psycho

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Vol 35 Issue 23

Nation's Experts Give Up

WASHINGTON, DC—After years of frustration over being misunderstood or simply ignored, experts in every field tendered their resignation.

Senior Citizen Shaken By Diminished Bawdy-Limerick Recall

OCALA, FL—Retiree Henry Sims, straining to remember the one about the lady from China, was deeply shaken Tuesday by his fading bawdy-limerick recall. "Last week, I blanked on the one about the man from Keokuk," the 79-year-old said. "And now this." Sims said he could visualize the Chinese woman and the popsicle, but couldn't recall the accompanying rhyming verse. "Can you imagine that?" Sims said. "Me, Hank, forgetting a classic."

Clinton Vetoes Bill For Reason He Can't Put His Finger On

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a variety of vague misgivings he "can't quite explain," President Clinton vetoed Monday H.R. 1556, a bill that would have provided tax breaks to corporations that offer maternity-leave packages to female employees. "I don't know, it's just sort of hard to put into words," Clinton said following the veto. "It's weird, but something about this bill just didn't seem right. I know I should be, but for some reason, I'm just not into it."

Report: Media Coverage Of Bear Attacks May Be Biased

NEW YORK—According to a report released Monday by the media-watchdog group Fairness and Accuracy In Reporting, U.S. media coverage of bear attacks is biased, with 98 percent of such reports taking the side of the attacked humans. "The media in this country are blatantly anti-bear," FAIR director Lynette Pierce said. "Virtually every time a bear is taunted, harassed or provoked into lashing out at humans, the bear is depicted in the media as the aggressor." The report went on to state that out of the 411 cases of bear-human conflicts in the last year, humans were victorious in 410 cases.

Overweight Man Repeatedly Introduced To Overweight Woman At Party

ALTOONA, PA—Over the course of a five-hour party Saturday, 315-pound Gene Cooper was introduced to 288-pound Cynthia Lerman nine times. "Once or twice an hour, someone would come over to tell me that there's someone at the party they think I'd really like," Cooper said. According to partygoers, Lerman is a real sweet gal, and she and Cooper would probably find they have a lot in common.

Birthplace Of President Carter Accidentally Visited

PLAINS, GA—Lost en route to Albany, GA, vacationing couple Mark and Celia Winocur of Phoenix inadvertently visited the birthplace of former president Jimmy Carter Monday. "We got off at the wrong exit and were trying to get back on the highway when we started seeing all these signs," Mark said. "I figured they led back to I-95, but somehow we wound up right in front of the house where Jimmy Carter was born.'" After buying a road map at Miller's General Store, where the 39th president first learned the value of a dollar as a young boy, the Winocurs were once again on their way to their intended destination.
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Totally Hot Chick Also Way Psycho

ATHENS, GA—Heather Blake, a University of Georgia business major with unbelievably beautiful eyes and a totally killer body, is also way psycho, sources close to the popular 21-year-old reported Monday.

"Heather's this weirdo combination of incredible love goddess and, like, freako banshee demon from beyond hell," said Georgia senior Brad Carver, who noted that he has been there, man, been there. "She made my freshman year a complete and total living nightmare. I made out with her once behind the stairs in the Physical Science Building. It was the single greatest moment of my life."

Campus-wide sources said the amazingly hot Blake, who works at the reception desk in the bursar's office, isn't just built like, kapow, but also has the most incredible, luscious hair ever.

"That one really hot chick from the bursar's office is way fucked in the head and everybody knows it," junior Steve Bittan said. "Don't even start with her, no matter how bad you want to."

According to Bittan, Blake gets all pissed off if someone is staring at her, but she goes out of her way to make searing, prolonged eye contact with anyone who doesn't.

"Blake The Flake, they call her," Bittan said. "I once saw her in a bikini. Oh, God, I won't even go into it."

Though Blake has never been diagnosed with a mental illness, the increasing number of reports since her arrival on campus in 1996 have caused her sanity to be called into question.

"That chick has a weird history, man. She's bad news, plain and simple," said Matt Weiler, 21, who went on a date with Blake two years ago. "I think she might have one of those attention-seeking disorders or like an inability to grasp reality or something like that."

"Shit, I've got to talk to her again, if only to hear her voice," Weiler added. "You know, she called me her soulmate for life on that night we were together."

Sophomore Dave Elgin said that on May 22, he spent over four hours fixing Blake's car, only to be told afterwards that it really meant a lot to her because the car was "a gift from a very special guy" with whom she really thought she might be falling in love. Blake then told him she wasn't sure she could ever really love the other man fully, however, after meeting someone as kind and generous as Elgin.

Other evidence of Blake's psycho mental status includes a June 3 incident in which she stayed up until 4 a.m. curled up against senior Rob Pollian on his couch, telling him all her sexual fantasies, only to become enraged when he attempted to kiss her.

A number of individuals within the desperately-trying-to-make-it-with-Heather-Blake community have even suggested that she ought to be locked up or something for all the shit she's done.

According to Bryce Meyers, 22, Blake told him last November that he was the last guy on Earth she'd ever want to go out with "because she would never want to hurt anyone so important to her," right before kissing him and running out of the room.

"I couldn't believe the kind of crap she pulled," Meyers said. "When she was doing a semester abroad in Spain, we were on the phone constantly, and I ran up this humongous phone bill talking about how I was going to come visit her over winter break. She was all like, 'I can't wait to be near you,' and 'I need to feel you close to me.' Then, when I show up in Madrid, she meets me at the airport and says, 'I'd like to introduce you to my boyfriend Carlos.' I'm standing there thinking, 'Well, Christ, man, who the fuck is Carlos?'"

As so many others have, Meyers forgave Blake because of her mental condition.

"She's crazy, man. What can you do?" Meyers said. "You know, Heather used to tell me that it's really hard for her just to be happy some days. I guess it totally sucks being so beautiful because of all the expectations that are placed on you."

According to those close to Blake, the link between her mind-blowing good looks and out-of-her-tree psycho head trips is undeniable.

"Heather's just totally got everybody in the palm of her hand," said Ryan McEachern, a friend of Blake's since high school. "Obviously, having everybody always wanting her so bad has, like, screwed with her self-esteem and shit. But maybe if she just met a guy who understood the real person underneath the beauty, she could straighten out her head. I wonder if that man could be me."

Blake could not be reached for comment regarding the possibility of a relationship with McEachern, as her answering machine just kept picking up for hours even though she said she would be home, leading to speculation that she might be with that one guy from the rowing team.

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