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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Totally Predictable Ending To Wild NCAA Tournament Prepares Student-Athletes For The Rest Of Their Miserable, Ho-Hum Lives

NEW ORLEANS—After the usual exciting upsets, Cinderella stories, and unlikely triumphs that make up the NCAA men's college basketball tournament every March, No. 1 seed Kentucky defeated No. 2 seed Kansas to take the national title Monday, reestablishing the customary order of things and setting student-athletes in the tournament on the proper humdrum course for the rest of their lives. "I was really euphoric there for a few days after we beat Duke," said Lehigh star guard C.J. McCollum, who watched with his teammates in introspective silence as the overdog Wildcats took a commanding lead they never relinquished in their inexorable victory. "But then Xavier beat us, and Baylor beat them, and they lost to Kentucky, and now I just feel, I don't know. I guess this is just the way it goes." The feelings of inevitability, pointlessness, and hopeless futility inspired by Kentucky's victory are expected to serve all tournament participants well in their eventual careers as insurance salesmen, teachers, NBA basketball players, and sportscasters.

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