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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Totally Predictable Ending To Wild NCAA Tournament Prepares Student-Athletes For The Rest Of Their Miserable, Ho-Hum Lives

NEW ORLEANS—After the usual exciting upsets, Cinderella stories, and unlikely triumphs that make up the NCAA men's college basketball tournament every March, No. 1 seed Kentucky defeated No. 2 seed Kansas to take the national title Monday, reestablishing the customary order of things and setting student-athletes in the tournament on the proper humdrum course for the rest of their lives. "I was really euphoric there for a few days after we beat Duke," said Lehigh star guard C.J. McCollum, who watched with his teammates in introspective silence as the overdog Wildcats took a commanding lead they never relinquished in their inexorable victory. "But then Xavier beat us, and Baylor beat them, and they lost to Kentucky, and now I just feel, I don't know. I guess this is just the way it goes." The feelings of inevitability, pointlessness, and hopeless futility inspired by Kentucky's victory are expected to serve all tournament participants well in their eventual careers as insurance salesmen, teachers, NBA basketball players, and sportscasters.

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