adBlockCheck

Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

'Totally Worth It,' Claims Grown Man Limping Off Softball Field

VERONA, WI—Though he knew before his office's team took the field that his aging, out-of-shape body was at risk of physical injury, limping Affiliated Bank loan and trust officer Robert Newson, 48, told reporters Sunday that a muscle-pull, combined with a possible severe knee injury, was "totally worth" the four innings of softball he played prior to removing himself from the game. "Absolutely, 100 percent worth it," said Newson, who refused to accept his physical limitations during the game by trying to stretch singles into doubles and throwing himself to the dirt to chase moderately fast ground balls. "Completely worth it, no question. Grace? I think we might have to go to the hospital after all." Newson later claimed it was the most worthwhile injury he had suffered since his crippling chest pains in last year's game against the Bank of Cross Plains.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close