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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Tour Becoming One-On-One Between Guide And Man Who Knew Name Of McKinley’s Assassin

COLUMBUS, OH—The 10:30 a.m. tour of the Ohio Statehouse quickly devolved into a one-on-one conversation between the group’s guide and one of the visitors Friday, sources reported, after the talkative tour member correctly responded to the question of who assassinated U.S. president William McKinley. “The first couple minutes of the tour were fine, but once we got to the McKinley memorial and our guide asked who shot President McKinley and where, that guy just jumped in with the answers and the two of them were off,” said fellow capitol visitor Tim Wolkoff, who added that the dynamic of the 12-person tour immediately shifted as the “McKinley guy” and the guide continued chatting with each other while they walked ahead of the rest of the group through the rotunda and General Assembly chamber. “Every time she made one of her prepared statements about the age of the building or named some famous politician who had worked there, the guy would always ask some super-specific follow-up questions. After he mentioned that he majored in U.S. history and had recently visited the Harriet Beecher Stowe House, they really got into it. By the end, she was pretty much just giving the tour directly to him.” Following the tour’s conclusion, Wolkoff decided not to go up and thank the guide, as she and the talkative visitor were still locked in a passionate exchange about someone or something named Salmon Chase.

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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