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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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Tour Becoming One-On-One Between Guide And Man Who Knew Name Of McKinley’s Assassin

COLUMBUS, OH—The 10:30 a.m. tour of the Ohio Statehouse quickly devolved into a one-on-one conversation between the group’s guide and one of the visitors Friday, sources reported, after the talkative tour member correctly responded to the question of who assassinated U.S. president William McKinley. “The first couple minutes of the tour were fine, but once we got to the McKinley memorial and our guide asked who shot President McKinley and where, that guy just jumped in with the answers and the two of them were off,” said fellow capitol visitor Tim Wolkoff, who added that the dynamic of the 12-person tour immediately shifted as the “McKinley guy” and the guide continued chatting with each other while they walked ahead of the rest of the group through the rotunda and General Assembly chamber. “Every time she made one of her prepared statements about the age of the building or named some famous politician who had worked there, the guy would always ask some super-specific follow-up questions. After he mentioned that he majored in U.S. history and had recently visited the Harriet Beecher Stowe House, they really got into it. By the end, she was pretty much just giving the tour directly to him.” Following the tour’s conclusion, Wolkoff decided not to go up and thank the guide, as she and the talkative visitor were still locked in a passionate exchange about someone or something named Salmon Chase.

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