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Tour De France Enters Stage Where Officials Begin Building PED Case Against Eventual Winner

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Tour De France Enters Stage Where Officials Begin Building PED Case Against Eventual Winner

CHORGES, FRANCE—With the grueling mountain stages now finished, excitement surrounding the Tour de France reached a fever pitch on Wednesday as cyclists began the eighteenth leg of the race, also known as the doping-officials-begin-gathering-evidence-to-prove-that-the-eventual-champion-used-performance-enhancing-drugs stage. “Chris Froome’s strong showing during the time trial stages has given him a commanding lead, but will that prepare him for the very tricky steroid-allegation phase of the race?” said commentator Phil Liggett, explaining that over the next few days, the field of over 100 cycling officials will scrutinize Froome’s performance in search of proof that he is guilty of doping. “Froome knows this is a treacherous stage where many talented riders—including his rival Alberto Contador—have faltered in the past, so he’ll need to be careful and watch out for a late push by the U.K. Anti-Doping Agency to prove his guilt and strip him of his victory.” Following the conclusion of the eighteenth leg, the Tour de France will reportedly move on to the everybody-ignores-the-sport-of-cycling stage.

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