adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tour De France Enters Stage Where Officials Begin Building PED Case Against Eventual Winner

CHORGES, FRANCE—With the grueling mountain stages now finished, excitement surrounding the Tour de France reached a fever pitch on Wednesday as cyclists began the eighteenth leg of the race, also known as the doping-officials-begin-gathering-evidence-to-prove-that-the-eventual-champion-used-performance-enhancing-drugs stage. “Chris Froome’s strong showing during the time trial stages has given him a commanding lead, but will that prepare him for the very tricky steroid-allegation phase of the race?” said commentator Phil Liggett, explaining that over the next few days, the field of over 100 cycling officials will scrutinize Froome’s performance in search of proof that he is guilty of doping. “Froome knows this is a treacherous stage where many talented riders—including his rival Alberto Contador—have faltered in the past, so he’ll need to be careful and watch out for a late push by the U.K. Anti-Doping Agency to prove his guilt and strip him of his victory.” Following the conclusion of the eighteenth leg, the Tour de France will reportedly move on to the everybody-ignores-the-sport-of-cycling stage.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close