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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Tourists Not Leaving Landmark Until All Permutations Of Groups And Cameras Exhausted

KEYSTONE, SD—Less than eight minutes after arriving at the famed attraction, a group of tourists visiting the Mount Rushmore National Memorial has made it clear they will not leave until at least one photo of every possible combination of people has been taken by every available camera, sources reported today. "Okay, now Sue, Kyle, Rick, Boyd, James, the dog, and the twins," sightseer Paula Thorpe, 42, was overheard saying while taking the group's 372nd photograph of the day with one of the six cameras on her person. "All right, now just the girls and Tim." At press time, the tourists were trying to convince a nearby German tourist to take 75 pictures of them all together.

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