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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Tourists Not Leaving Landmark Until All Permutations Of Groups And Cameras Exhausted

KEYSTONE, SD—Less than eight minutes after arriving at the famed attraction, a group of tourists visiting the Mount Rushmore National Memorial has made it clear they will not leave until at least one photo of every possible combination of people has been taken by every available camera, sources reported today. "Okay, now Sue, Kyle, Rick, Boyd, James, the dog, and the twins," sightseer Paula Thorpe, 42, was overheard saying while taking the group's 372nd photograph of the day with one of the six cameras on her person. "All right, now just the girls and Tim." At press time, the tourists were trying to convince a nearby German tourist to take 75 pictures of them all together.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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