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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tournament Bass Refuses To Talk To Reporters After Tough Day Getting Caught

LEWISVILLE, TX—A 7-pound, 18-inch largemouth bass bypassed reporters and went straight back into the water Saturday following a demoralizing defeat at the Bassmaster Lake Lewisville Shootout. "This is a fish who prides himself on going out to that weed bed every day and eluding anglers, and you could see the disgust on his face," Bassmaster official Travis Hessman said. "There's no answer for how a bass who has been doing this for so long could get hooked on such a shoddy crankbait, and that's something he'll just have to live with until the next tournament." Hessman added that the bass would be fined $30,000 for failing to fulfill his media obligations.

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