adBlockCheck

Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
  • More News

Entertainment

Tow-Truck Driver Has Great Idea For Tow-Truck Movie

BUTTE, MT—Bob Beresford, a tow-truck driver with 11 years of experience at Central Montana Service & Salvage, announced Monday that he has a great idea for a tow-truck movie.

Tow-truck driver Beresford.

"I don't know why, but most people really don't have that clear a picture of what tow-trucking is all about," said the 44-year-old Beresford, standing in front of his 1995 Ford Super Duty. "They don't realize the integrity, the commitment, the strong sense of duty that go into this work. With Towtruckin', I have a chance to change all that."

Towtruckin', according to Beresford, is "a classic David-versus-Goliath story." Its hero, "Rob Relesford," is a gifted, idealistic young tow-truck driver trying to make it as an independent operator in the highly competitive world of towing and recovery. Faced with competition from Towco, a massive, multi-state towing corporation, Relesford must choose between continuing to eke out a lonely but proud existence or accepting a well-paid position on the Towco payroll. In the end, the choice is clear.

"At the end of the movie, there's a big, overturned tractor-trailer across the highway, and the hot-shot Towco guys won't move it for insurance-liability reasons," Beresford said. "Then, the hero steps forward and tows the wreck off. Not because he's a show-off, but because he has to. It's just what he does."

Beresford said he hasn't fully developed the plot of Towtruckin'. He has, however, worked out certain scenes, such as the one in which Relesford pulls a beautiful waitress' 1984 Sunbird off the median and gallantly refuses to accept payment.

"Rob is a real American hero," Beresford said. "He's out there with his wrecker all hours of the day and night, ready to right a tipped truck or haul a stalled vehicle to a mechanic. He's the closest thing to the cowboy we have left these days. But the point is, if something needs to be towed, by God, he'll tow it."

"To me, that's America in a nutshell," he added.

Though Beresford plans to paint Rob as something of an outlaw, he said the character's actions will always fall on the side of what's right.

"Rob would never tow away an illegally parked car unless it was impeding or inconveniencing honest citizens," Beresford said. "And he'd only tow repossessed cars of bad guys and wealthy gangsters, not poor people trying to make ends meet. Rob's like Robin Hood with a winch."

Beresford said he will likely incorporate his own personal experiences into the film.

"There's going to be this old tow-truck driver who serves as Rob's mentor and teaches him everything he knows about tow-trucking," Beresford said. "That's based on Red Stampfel, the guy who was boss here when I started in '89," Beresford said. "He was like the Yoda of Central Montana Service & Salvage: Boom tow, high-line towing, righting a chassis, Stampfel knew it all. He died of a heart attack in '96. In the movie version, the guy dies, too, but Rob continues to talk to him after he dies."

Added Beresford: "Also, there'll be this girl who, at first, doesn't get why towing's so important to Rob, but eventually she comes to understand. That, of course, is like [Beresford's wife] Melanie."

Beresford is confident in his vision for Towtruckin', describing it as a "can't-miss" concept. He does, however, fear that the film could be ruined by studio executives who don't fully "get it."

"There's a right way and a wrong way to do this film," Beresford said. "One of the wrong ways would definitely be to make a big deal out of the truck. Don't get me wrong, this guy'll have a nice rig, like the three-axle Ford Super Duty I drive at Central Montana. But I could see some Hollywood type putting him in a big 30-foot rollback tower with all these extra hydraulics and a crewcab and that kind of crap. That's not how it should be done. Towtruckin' is all about the tow trucker, not the tow truck."

Entertainment Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close