Town Fails To Rally Around Adult Trapped In Well

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Town Fails To Rally Around Adult Trapped In Well

No vigils held here to date.
No vigils held here to date.

CATONSVILLE, MD—Tragedy failed to strike the small suburban town of Catonsville this week, when local resident and full-grown adult Michael Ennis fell down an abandoned well, spraining both of his ankles and drawing the sympathy of absolutely no one.

According to sources, the not-so-moving accident has left this normally quiet Maryland community in a state of utter indifference, with hundreds of men, women, and children neglecting to come together as one and rally around the trapped 38-year-old.

"I don't understand," said Janice Peters, who has spent every day since first hearing of Ennis' plight gardening in her backyard. "What's a man of that age even doing around a well to begin with? The whole thing's a bit ridiculous if you ask me."

Added Peters, "He must have been drunk."

The injured Ennis has been ignored by more than just ordinary citizens, however. Firefighters and rescue workers have reportedly been working around the clock, attending to several other, larger emergencies in and around town. The local police department has by all accounts also sprung into action, with nearly 20 officers arriving at the scene early Tuesday morning to see the "idiotic klutz" for themselves.

"In a situation like this, there's very little you can actually do," said Denton deputy sheriff Todd Levin, who identified the bruised and disoriented Ennis after peering down the well to see if a young child had fallen in with him. "We took pictures, you know, for our records and such. And went to this nice sandwich shop right up the street. But other than that, the whole thing wasn't as much fun as we all thought it was going to be. I think he was actually passed out for most of it."

To date, no money has been raised in an effort to rescue Ennis from the well, nor has anyone in the community volunteered to chip in and provide the desperate man with food, fresh water, or words of encouragement. Though Ennis has only had a handful of visitors in the past week, sources did confirm that several members of the town's First Presbyterian Church stopped by on Thursday and together prayed for the 38-year-old to "get his act together."

"It's hard to imagine what his parents must be going through," pastor Phil Heagerty said. "To hear that your adult son went out and got himself stuck inside a well—it's every parent's worst nightmare. Our thoughts are definitely with them during what must be a very embarrassing time."

According to resident Stephanie Cox, who passes by the well every day during her morning jog, Ennis is currently sitting in a foot and a half of dirty water, and does not seem to be making any progress in scaling the well walls with his hands. Cox went on to add that while Ennis might be trying to fashion a makeshift rope out of his clothing, she couldn't be sure as she is currently "training for a marathon and can't really stop to check."

"How could something like this even happen?" Cox said. "That well had been boarded up for years, which means that this moron—whoever he is—literally had to dislodge a bunch of planks in order to fall inside of it. It's almost as if he wanted to shatter his legs."

As Ennis enters his sixth straight day of being trapped, the citizens of Catonsville remain confident that the whole situation will eventually resolve itself. Locals are also holding out hope for a rainstorm projected for tomorrow night, which they believe might help to flush Ennis up and out of the well, or at the very least drown out the sound of his prolonged, tortured cries.

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