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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Town Hall Attendees Still Standing Patiently Waiting For Their Questions To Be Answered

HEMPSTEAD, NY—More than 15 hours after the conclusion of the second presidential debate, sources confirmed members of the town-hall audience who asked questions last night are still standing in the now-empty hall at Hofstra University, note cards in hand, patiently waiting for the candidates to actually provide them with answers. “President Obama, during the Democratic National Convention in 2008, you stated you wanted to keep AK-47s out of the hands of criminals. What has your administration done or planned to do to limit the availability of assault weapons?” said debate attendee Nina Gonzalez, who asked her question almost one day ago, has yet to receive a straight answer, and, along with 10 other audience members, told reporters she is hoping Obama and Mitt Romney return to Long Island at some point to address her topic of concern as opposed to talking about something else entirely. At press time, the audience members were reportedly all still standing there, waiting.

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