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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Town Hall Attendees Still Standing Patiently Waiting For Their Questions To Be Answered

HEMPSTEAD, NY—More than 15 hours after the conclusion of the second presidential debate, sources confirmed members of the town-hall audience who asked questions last night are still standing in the now-empty hall at Hofstra University, note cards in hand, patiently waiting for the candidates to actually provide them with answers. “President Obama, during the Democratic National Convention in 2008, you stated you wanted to keep AK-47s out of the hands of criminals. What has your administration done or planned to do to limit the availability of assault weapons?” said debate attendee Nina Gonzalez, who asked her question almost one day ago, has yet to receive a straight answer, and, along with 10 other audience members, told reporters she is hoping Obama and Mitt Romney return to Long Island at some point to address her topic of concern as opposed to talking about something else entirely. At press time, the audience members were reportedly all still standing there, waiting.

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