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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Town Nervously Welcomes Veteran Back Home

BEVERLY, MA—Upon Sgt. 1st Class Ted Orcutt’s return from a year of active combat duty in Afghanistan, the 34-year-old veteran’s tight-knit community came out in full force to nervously welcome him home, sources reported Monday. “Great to have you back, man,” said an apprehensive childhood friend of Orcutt, shaking the National Guard member’s hand just a beat too long as assorted neighbors and town officials smiled and looked on anxiously. “You look good. You look great! Hey, if you ever need anything, just let us know. Call me any time. For a beer, whatever. Phone’s always on.” At press time, locals were reportedly exchanging nervous glances as the veteran excused himself for a moment from his welcome-back barbecue.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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