Town Nervously Welcomes Veteran Back Home

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Vol 49 Issue 35

Tough Season - Preview

Tough Season returns with a gritty, hard-hitting look inside the fantasy football locker room of Brad’s Awesome Team.

The Case For And Against Intervening In Syria

While the Obama administration has been considering an armed intervention in Syria following the gassing deaths of hundreds of Syrian civilians, a vocal movement in Congress and among the general public has emerged in opposition of any U.S.

Courtroom Artist Clearly Infatuated With Bailiff

The Syria conflict intensifies as bears enter the war, a report shows that millions of courageous Americans are overcoming the media pressure to be thin, and the nation’s single men announce a plan to change their bedsheets by 2019.

50% Of Americans Oppose Intervention In Syria

According to an NBC poll, 50 percent of Americans oppose the use of military force against Syria in the wake of a purported chemical weapons attack by the government of Bashar al-Assad, compared to 42 percent who support military action.
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Town Nervously Welcomes Veteran Back Home

BEVERLY, MA—Upon Sgt. 1st Class Ted Orcutt’s return from a year of active combat duty in Afghanistan, the 34-year-old veteran’s tight-knit community came out in full force to nervously welcome him home, sources reported Monday. “Great to have you back, man,” said an apprehensive childhood friend of Orcutt, shaking the National Guard member’s hand just a beat too long as assorted neighbors and town officials smiled and looked on anxiously. “You look good. You look great! Hey, if you ever need anything, just let us know. Call me any time. For a beer, whatever. Phone’s always on.” At press time, locals were reportedly exchanging nervous glances as the veteran excused himself for a moment from his welcome-back barbecue.

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