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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Town Proud Of Water Tower

RICE, MN—Local residents reported Monday that the 157-foot-tall water tower in the center of town was the finest water storage structure in the region. "She's a real beaut," said native Rodney Anderson, adding that the gorgeous shade of robin's egg blue has never had a "lick of that graffiti on it." "Much better than the water tower in Holdingford. Heck, you can even see it from Holdingford." Multiple town sources also noted that the tower has a ladder that "goes all the way to the top."

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FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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