Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Town Still Can't Think Of Name For Largest, Most Used Street

EDGAR, NE—Residents of the small town of Edgar have yet to come up with a fitting name for the tiny village's most highly trafficked street, a two-lane, tree-lined roadway running through the main downtown area.

"At first we wanted to call it Preeminent Avenue or Primary Lane, or maybe even Boulevard Prime," said local businessman Peter Gallows, who added that the street is the one he mainly uses when driving through town. "It's really important that we name this soon, being that it's the main street around and all."

Edgar mayor Tom Kaisel said he hopes to resolve the problem before mid-October, when the town holds its as-yet-unnamed annual German-themed festival, informally known as "Oktobeparty."

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