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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Town Uglification Committee Approves New Pile Of Garbage Bags

LOUDONVILLE, OH—As part of ongoing efforts to maintain the town's unplesasant appearance, members of the Loudonville Uglification Committee unanimously approved a measure Tuesday to preserve the 16 overflowing garbage bags filled with old newspapers, beer bottles, and decaying food in the middle of the Cedar Street sidewalk. "We're going to do all we can to make sure these new piles of trash are in full view of anyone who comes to visit our little town, as well as those who call Loudonville home," said chairwoman Karen Spalding, who oversees all of the town's upkeep, including planting weeds in parks, spray-painting profanities on the walls of the public library, and smearing dog feces at prominent intersections. "It's important that our work properly reflects the type of people who live here." Spalding added that she was confident this latest initiative would attract businesses interested in dumping their waste products directly into the Mohican River.

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