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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Town Uglification Committee Approves New Pile Of Garbage Bags

LOUDONVILLE, OH—As part of ongoing efforts to maintain the town's unplesasant appearance, members of the Loudonville Uglification Committee unanimously approved a measure Tuesday to preserve the 16 overflowing garbage bags filled with old newspapers, beer bottles, and decaying food in the middle of the Cedar Street sidewalk. "We're going to do all we can to make sure these new piles of trash are in full view of anyone who comes to visit our little town, as well as those who call Loudonville home," said chairwoman Karen Spalding, who oversees all of the town's upkeep, including planting weeds in parks, spray-painting profanities on the walls of the public library, and smearing dog feces at prominent intersections. "It's important that our work properly reflects the type of people who live here." Spalding added that she was confident this latest initiative would attract businesses interested in dumping their waste products directly into the Mohican River.

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