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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Town Uglification Committee Approves New Pile Of Garbage Bags

LOUDONVILLE, OH—As part of ongoing efforts to maintain the town's unplesasant appearance, members of the Loudonville Uglification Committee unanimously approved a measure Tuesday to preserve the 16 overflowing garbage bags filled with old newspapers, beer bottles, and decaying food in the middle of the Cedar Street sidewalk. "We're going to do all we can to make sure these new piles of trash are in full view of anyone who comes to visit our little town, as well as those who call Loudonville home," said chairwoman Karen Spalding, who oversees all of the town's upkeep, including planting weeds in parks, spray-painting profanities on the walls of the public library, and smearing dog feces at prominent intersections. "It's important that our work properly reflects the type of people who live here." Spalding added that she was confident this latest initiative would attract businesses interested in dumping their waste products directly into the Mohican River.

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