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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Townsfolk Strongly Prefer Man's Werewolf Incarnation

'Jesus, The Next Full Moon Can't Come Fast Enough,' Villagers Report

BLACK FOREST, GERMANY—Townsfolk told reporters Tuesday that they can't wait for the next full moon, as they much prefer the bloodthirsty lycanthropic form of "insufferable" local blacksmith Hans Meyer, who was bitten by a werewolf eight months ago. "We may lose a few sheep or cattle every month, but it's worth it to get a break from that guy's constant bitching," said candlemaker Fritz Hermann, adding that at least when Meyer is a werewolf he doesn't have that annoying laugh. "He's always going on and on at the tavern about the subtle differences between re-shodding a Clydesdale versus a Westphalian, or whining about how someone needs to chain him up because he doesn't know what he'll do—God, I'd much rather deal with an unholy half-man, half-wolf trying to rip out my throat." The town council is reportedly at a loss as to how to rid the village of Meyer, considering that no one is willing to get close enough to stab him with a silver dagger for fear of being trapped in an endless conversation about his stupid fucking cuckoo clock collection.

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