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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Townsfolk Strongly Prefer Man's Werewolf Incarnation

'Jesus, The Next Full Moon Can't Come Fast Enough,' Villagers Report

BLACK FOREST, GERMANY—Townsfolk told reporters Tuesday that they can't wait for the next full moon, as they much prefer the bloodthirsty lycanthropic form of "insufferable" local blacksmith Hans Meyer, who was bitten by a werewolf eight months ago. "We may lose a few sheep or cattle every month, but it's worth it to get a break from that guy's constant bitching," said candlemaker Fritz Hermann, adding that at least when Meyer is a werewolf he doesn't have that annoying laugh. "He's always going on and on at the tavern about the subtle differences between re-shodding a Clydesdale versus a Westphalian, or whining about how someone needs to chain him up because he doesn't know what he'll do—God, I'd much rather deal with an unholy half-man, half-wolf trying to rip out my throat." The town council is reportedly at a loss as to how to rid the village of Meyer, considering that no one is willing to get close enough to stab him with a silver dagger for fear of being trapped in an endless conversation about his stupid fucking cuckoo clock collection.

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