Tracing Your Genealogy

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Vol 38 Issue 34

Director of High-School Play Buys Director's Chair Out Of Own Pocket

WILKES-BARRE, PA—Bill Enqvist, Wilkes-Barre East High School drama teacher and director of the school's upcoming production of West Side Story, purchased a wood-and-canvas director's chair from Wal-Mart with his own money Tuesday. "I was kind of hoping the school would spring for one for me, but I guess they didn't see it as essential," Enqvist said. "That's okay: After the play, I can spruce up my deck with it." Enqvist added that for the next theatrical season, he may splurge on personalized iron-on letters for the chair's back.

Senators Wish Domenici Would Bring Dog To Work More Often

WASHINGTON, DC—Members of the U.S. Senate wish that Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) would bring his sheepdog Luke to work more often, Beltway sources reported Monday. "It's always so fun when we're debating a piece of legislation, and Luke comes charging in and runs all around the senate floor saying hi to everybody," Sen. Jon Corzine (D-NJ) said. "A couple weeks ago, I was right in the middle of a speech when he bowled me over and started licking my face." Virtually every senator has encouraged Domenici to bring in Luke, with the notable exception of Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA), who is "so allergic to that thing, it's not even funny."

Apartment Set Up To Create Illusion Of Well-Rounded Life

RIVERSIDE, CA—Hoping to trick visitors into thinking he leads a well-rounded life filled with diverse interests, local resident Andrew Higgins has outfitted his apartment with such accoutrements as a framed La Dolce Vita poster, an acoustic guitar, and a magazine rack filled with back issues of The New Yorker. "I'm clearly into some pretty cool stuff," said Higgins, 26, who devotes 95 percent of his evenings to playing his Nintendo GameCube or patronizing a local topless bar. "This apartment is indistinguishable from that of a true Renaissance man."

Son Surprised Dad Knows Johnny Cash Song

IOWA CITY, IA—Shawn Sullivan, 22, was stunned to learn Monday that his father is familiar with the Johnny Cash song "I Walk The Line." "Where the hell did Dad learn that?" asked Sullivan, whose father recognized the song playing over speakers while dining out with the family. "That's, like, something me and my friends listen to." Sullivan conjectured that, while borrowing his father's car recently, he must have inadvertently left the radio tuned to KRUI 89.7, the local college radio station.

I'm Not Proud Of Some Of The Things I've Done

Can it be true that my years in this world already number 12? Though mine is but a dog's life, I have always tried to live it well. Early on, I made it my mission to explore the neighborhood beyond my own yard, to appreciate nature and its many wonderful smells. I've thirsted for knowledge, learning in excess of 10 tricks and committing to memory the location of every rabbit hole within a quarter mile. I have minded to comport myself with dignity, keeping my coat shiny and clean through a daily regimen of rigorous licking.

Making McDonald's Healthier

Last week, McDonald's announced plans to cook its french fries and other fried foods in a lower-fat oil. What other changes are in store?

Keepin' It Real In Tha Midstate Crib

Very first time I wrote this column, it wuz to inform all y'all nonbelievaz out there that tha H-Dog wuz a BAD ASS who best not be fucked with. That wuz nearly six yearz ago, and ain't a damn thing changed. If y'all think I gone soft 'cause I gots a shortie now, you dangerously mistaken. I still as hardcore as they come, know what I'm sayin'? Cross me, an' I'll samurai on yo' ass. Word is bond.
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Tracing Your Genealogy

Building your family tree can be a fun and rewarding activity. Here are some tips to help you get started:

A family


  • There are many web sites and software packages out there that can help you trace your family history without having to deal with Grandma.
  • If you are of European descent, don't be surprised to find that your ancestors were a bunch of bored, repressed, self-loathing people with blockish physiques.
  • To spruce up your family tree, add gold stars next to the names of all the cousins you've nailed.
  • If you trace your family back six generations, you should arrive at the great-great-great-great grandfather of Kevin Bacon.
  • Keep in mind that entire branches of your family tree can be taken out with a simple Magic Marker.
  • Searching your roots for a famous ancestor is a great way to validate your miserable existence as a legal secretary.
  • Avoid this common mistake made by many first-time genealogists: Search for people with the same last name, not first.
  • If you are white, just tell people you're from the Medici line of Italy. If black, say the Mandinka tribe. Asians, the Han-Tzu dynasty of Guangdong Province. Who's gonna call you on it?
  • Mormons are experts at helping people trace family trees, but they'll probably want you to contribute to theirs.
  • Note to women: In this society, it is unimportant to know anything about your lineage on your mother's side. Just skip it altogether.
  • Before building your tree, ask yourself if you really want to know about the potato-eating filth that makes up your heritage.
  • Go to your oldest living relative and ask him or her about your lineage. Work your way down to the second, third, and fourth oldest until you get to someone who makes some sense.
  • If you are African-American, be advised that your research may take you to the mansion of a fat, ugly white man in Vicksburg who is less than happy to see you.
  • Hey, you know who could help you, is the town historical society. They could help you find the location of the original veterans' cemetery before the county was incorporated. You should go there right now. I'll stay here and tell you how the Raiders game turned out.
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