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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Tracing Your Genealogy

Building your family tree can be a fun and rewarding activity. Here are some tips to help you get started:

A family


  • There are many web sites and software packages out there that can help you trace your family history without having to deal with Grandma.
  • If you are of European descent, don't be surprised to find that your ancestors were a bunch of bored, repressed, self-loathing people with blockish physiques.
  • To spruce up your family tree, add gold stars next to the names of all the cousins you've nailed.
  • If you trace your family back six generations, you should arrive at the great-great-great-great grandfather of Kevin Bacon.
  • Keep in mind that entire branches of your family tree can be taken out with a simple Magic Marker.
  • Searching your roots for a famous ancestor is a great way to validate your miserable existence as a legal secretary.
  • Avoid this common mistake made by many first-time genealogists: Search for people with the same last name, not first.
  • If you are white, just tell people you're from the Medici line of Italy. If black, say the Mandinka tribe. Asians, the Han-Tzu dynasty of Guangdong Province. Who's gonna call you on it?
  • Mormons are experts at helping people trace family trees, but they'll probably want you to contribute to theirs.
  • Note to women: In this society, it is unimportant to know anything about your lineage on your mother's side. Just skip it altogether.
  • Before building your tree, ask yourself if you really want to know about the potato-eating filth that makes up your heritage.
  • Go to your oldest living relative and ask him or her about your lineage. Work your way down to the second, third, and fourth oldest until you get to someone who makes some sense.
  • If you are African-American, be advised that your research may take you to the mansion of a fat, ugly white man in Vicksburg who is less than happy to see you.
  • Hey, you know who could help you, is the town historical society. They could help you find the location of the original veterans' cemetery before the county was incorporated. You should go there right now. I'll stay here and tell you how the Raiders game turned out.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

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