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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Tracing Your Genealogy

Building your family tree can be a fun and rewarding activity. Here are some tips to help you get started:

A family


  • There are many web sites and software packages out there that can help you trace your family history without having to deal with Grandma.
  • If you are of European descent, don't be surprised to find that your ancestors were a bunch of bored, repressed, self-loathing people with blockish physiques.
  • To spruce up your family tree, add gold stars next to the names of all the cousins you've nailed.
  • If you trace your family back six generations, you should arrive at the great-great-great-great grandfather of Kevin Bacon.
  • Keep in mind that entire branches of your family tree can be taken out with a simple Magic Marker.
  • Searching your roots for a famous ancestor is a great way to validate your miserable existence as a legal secretary.
  • Avoid this common mistake made by many first-time genealogists: Search for people with the same last name, not first.
  • If you are white, just tell people you're from the Medici line of Italy. If black, say the Mandinka tribe. Asians, the Han-Tzu dynasty of Guangdong Province. Who's gonna call you on it?
  • Mormons are experts at helping people trace family trees, but they'll probably want you to contribute to theirs.
  • Note to women: In this society, it is unimportant to know anything about your lineage on your mother's side. Just skip it altogether.
  • Before building your tree, ask yourself if you really want to know about the potato-eating filth that makes up your heritage.
  • Go to your oldest living relative and ask him or her about your lineage. Work your way down to the second, third, and fourth oldest until you get to someone who makes some sense.
  • If you are African-American, be advised that your research may take you to the mansion of a fat, ugly white man in Vicksburg who is less than happy to see you.
  • Hey, you know who could help you, is the town historical society. They could help you find the location of the original veterans' cemetery before the county was incorporated. You should go there right now. I'll stay here and tell you how the Raiders game turned out.

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