Track Winnings Reinvested In Blackjack Futures

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Vol 39 Issue 02

Bored Assistant Principal Browses Through Confiscated Items

INDEPENDENCE, MO—Unable to find anything else to do, bored Harry S Truman Middle School assistant principal William Podrewski rifled through the school's box of confiscated items Monday, searching for anything of interest. "Lots of cherry bombs in here," the 51-year-old Podrewski mused while sifting through the box, coming across a butterfly knife, a packet of raisins, and a Puddle Of Mudd CD. "Man, when I was a kid, I would have gotten seriously horse-whipped for having some of this stuff." Podrewski eventually settled on a faded March 1974 issue of Oui magazine.

Business Traveler Closes Mini-Bar

CHARLOTTE, NC—After a long day of meetings and seminars, business traveler Patrick Hodge stayed up late Monday, closing the mini-bar in room 1815 of the Charlotte Marriott. "I'm usually a two-martini-then-hit-the-sack kind of guy," Hodge said. "But I was really wound up, and they had lots of those little bottles of my favorite liquors, so I said, 'What the hey?'" After closing down the mini-bar, Hodge staggered to the hotel's vending machine to beat the 3 a.m. "after-mini-bar rush."

Area Man Proud Of Blood Type

RADCLIFFE, IA—Despite its being the uncontrollable product of genetics and chance, Phil Schroeder's blood type is a frequent source of pride for the 26-year-old graphic designer. "I'm B-negative," said Schroeder, expecting to get a big reaction from coworker Mindy Tremont. "That's the second most rare after AB-negative." Schroeder, who has been known to high-five fellow B-negatives, went on to tell Tremont that individuals with Type B are said to be creative and excitable, prompting her to murmur, "Wow."

Eliminating Stock-Dividend Taxes

As part of his tax-cut plan, President Bush has proposed abolishing taxes on stock dividends—a move critics say primarily benefits the rich. What do you think?

Skeptic Pitied

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Craig Schaffner, 46, a Fayetteville-area computer consultant, has earned the pity of friends and acquaintances for his tragic reluctance to embrace the unverifiable, sources reported Monday.
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Track Winnings Reinvested In Blackjack Futures

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Seeking to grow his financial assets, Piscataway, NJ, gambler Richard Pasquale shrewdly reinvested his $2,432 trifecta win in the third race at Belmont Park in high-yield blackjack futures Monday. "The thoroughbred game is so vulnerable to track fluctuations, I thought it would be better to transfer my funds into a more proven money-maker, one with a tremendous upside," said Pasquale, speaking from the blackjack pit at Harrah's Atlantic City casino. "Plus, I got a feeling I'm headed for a hot streak." He then instructed his dealer to hit him.

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