adBlockCheck

Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person

Top Headlines

Local

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person

BOISE, ID—According to friends and family, the automobile accident that claimed the life of area youth Evan Laskin this week tragically cut short the prospects of a talented 18-year-old who had aspired his whole life to be a living person.

Those closest to him said Laskin would be remembered not only as a loving son and caring friend, but also as a gifted young man who, right up until the very end, showed tremendous promise when it came to being alive.

“His whole life, Evan wanted nothing more than to exist,” said Bryan Dermott, a classmate and close friend of Laskin who shared his ambition to have a functioning central nervous system. “It’s a big part of who he was. He was always talking about consuming vital nutrients, metabolizing them, producing new cells to replace old or damaged ones, breathing. Living was the thing that was most important to him, and he was really good at it, too.”

“He was alive practically all the time,” Dermott continued. “In fact, when I last talked to him, I specifically remember him being alive.”

Many people who knew him well confirmed Laskin lived almost every single day, sometimes for hours at a time, and said continuing his life was something he talked about constantly. Sources recalled how the high school senior would light up when the subject turned to living, but would often drift off or appear to grow distant at the mention of dying, something he never showed much interest in.

Growing up in a family of living people—his father Maurice was an auto mechanic who lived whenever he could, while his mother Paula also took great pride in being a self-sustaining assemblage of organic molecules—Laskin reportedly displayed a proclivity and passion for existence from a very young age.

“Often I’d wake up at six in the morning and Evan would already be downstairs moving around, thinking about things, experiencing continuous reality, and responding to external stimuli,” said Paula Laskin, adding that her son had covered the walls of his bedroom with posters of living people he idolized. “Even as a toddler, he talked about how much he wanted to be alive, to have functioning organs and measurable brain activity. You could tell just by being around him that Evan’s calling in life was to be a living human being.”

Laskin’s father told reporters he believed his boy could have grown up to be very successful at existing.

“I guess that’s how I’ll always remember him—as an alive person,” Laskin’s father said. “I’ll never forget when I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, whether it was a living person or a dead person. Well, he cut me off right there and told me he wanted to be alive. I was so very, very proud of him at that moment.”

“I like to think that Evan was alive right up until the moment he died,” he continued through tears. “That’s just the kind of person he was.”

Students and faculty at Laskin’s school said they planned to honor the teen’s memory with a prolonged moment of life tomorrow morning.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close