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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person

BOISE, ID—According to friends and family, the automobile accident that claimed the life of area youth Evan Laskin this week tragically cut short the prospects of a talented 18-year-old who had aspired his whole life to be a living person.

Those closest to him said Laskin would be remembered not only as a loving son and caring friend, but also as a gifted young man who, right up until the very end, showed tremendous promise when it came to being alive.

“His whole life, Evan wanted nothing more than to exist,” said Bryan Dermott, a classmate and close friend of Laskin who shared his ambition to have a functioning central nervous system. “It’s a big part of who he was. He was always talking about consuming vital nutrients, metabolizing them, producing new cells to replace old or damaged ones, breathing. Living was the thing that was most important to him, and he was really good at it, too.”

“He was alive practically all the time,” Dermott continued. “In fact, when I last talked to him, I specifically remember him being alive.”

Many people who knew him well confirmed Laskin lived almost every single day, sometimes for hours at a time, and said continuing his life was something he talked about constantly. Sources recalled how the high school senior would light up when the subject turned to living, but would often drift off or appear to grow distant at the mention of dying, something he never showed much interest in.

Growing up in a family of living people—his father Maurice was an auto mechanic who lived whenever he could, while his mother Paula also took great pride in being a self-sustaining assemblage of organic molecules—Laskin reportedly displayed a proclivity and passion for existence from a very young age.

“Often I’d wake up at six in the morning and Evan would already be downstairs moving around, thinking about things, experiencing continuous reality, and responding to external stimuli,” said Paula Laskin, adding that her son had covered the walls of his bedroom with posters of living people he idolized. “Even as a toddler, he talked about how much he wanted to be alive, to have functioning organs and measurable brain activity. You could tell just by being around him that Evan’s calling in life was to be a living human being.”

Laskin’s father told reporters he believed his boy could have grown up to be very successful at existing.

“I guess that’s how I’ll always remember him—as an alive person,” Laskin’s father said. “I’ll never forget when I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, whether it was a living person or a dead person. Well, he cut me off right there and told me he wanted to be alive. I was so very, very proud of him at that moment.”

“I like to think that Evan was alive right up until the moment he died,” he continued through tears. “That’s just the kind of person he was.”

Students and faculty at Laskin’s school said they planned to honor the teen’s memory with a prolonged moment of life tomorrow morning.

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