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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person

BOISE, ID—According to friends and family, the automobile accident that claimed the life of area youth Evan Laskin this week tragically cut short the prospects of a talented 18-year-old who had aspired his whole life to be a living person.

Those closest to him said Laskin would be remembered not only as a loving son and caring friend, but also as a gifted young man who, right up until the very end, showed tremendous promise when it came to being alive.

“His whole life, Evan wanted nothing more than to exist,” said Bryan Dermott, a classmate and close friend of Laskin who shared his ambition to have a functioning central nervous system. “It’s a big part of who he was. He was always talking about consuming vital nutrients, metabolizing them, producing new cells to replace old or damaged ones, breathing. Living was the thing that was most important to him, and he was really good at it, too.”

“He was alive practically all the time,” Dermott continued. “In fact, when I last talked to him, I specifically remember him being alive.”

Many people who knew him well confirmed Laskin lived almost every single day, sometimes for hours at a time, and said continuing his life was something he talked about constantly. Sources recalled how the high school senior would light up when the subject turned to living, but would often drift off or appear to grow distant at the mention of dying, something he never showed much interest in.

Growing up in a family of living people—his father Maurice was an auto mechanic who lived whenever he could, while his mother Paula also took great pride in being a self-sustaining assemblage of organic molecules—Laskin reportedly displayed a proclivity and passion for existence from a very young age.

“Often I’d wake up at six in the morning and Evan would already be downstairs moving around, thinking about things, experiencing continuous reality, and responding to external stimuli,” said Paula Laskin, adding that her son had covered the walls of his bedroom with posters of living people he idolized. “Even as a toddler, he talked about how much he wanted to be alive, to have functioning organs and measurable brain activity. You could tell just by being around him that Evan’s calling in life was to be a living human being.”

Laskin’s father told reporters he believed his boy could have grown up to be very successful at existing.

“I guess that’s how I’ll always remember him—as an alive person,” Laskin’s father said. “I’ll never forget when I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, whether it was a living person or a dead person. Well, he cut me off right there and told me he wanted to be alive. I was so very, very proud of him at that moment.”

“I like to think that Evan was alive right up until the moment he died,” he continued through tears. “That’s just the kind of person he was.”

Students and faculty at Laskin’s school said they planned to honor the teen’s memory with a prolonged moment of life tomorrow morning.

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