adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Trailblazing Colleague Makes Historic Contact With People Who Work On Other Floor

PITTSBURGH—In an unprecedented encounter with a culture heretofore shrouded in mystery, Northco Logistics customer service specialist Ryan Barlow reportedly established historic contact Wednesday with the people who work on his office complex’s fourth floor. “I met this guy Kevin who said they’d been having the same problems with the air conditioner we’ve been having,” said the 28-year-old explorer in reference to the peaceful words of greeting he exchanged in the elevator with an inhabitant of QuestTech Learning Solutions, a meeting that to this point had been considered far too perilous to be undertaken. “He also said they had some leftover food and cake from his coworker’s birthday and that we could stop by if we wanted. He seemed very friendly.” Though admitting that no one had yet dared journey so far, the intrepid adventurer then regaled his colleagues with the legend of the remote and uncharted seventh floor, where there was rumored to exist a vast open layout and, according to lore, a ping-pong table.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close