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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Transportation Secretary Calls For $200 Billion In Funding To Repair Nation’s Rickety Wooden Bridges

WASHINGTON—Saying such infrastructure improvements were necessary to ensure citizens could continue to pass safely over the nation’s dangerous river rapids and precipitous chasms, Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx called for $200 billion in funding Wednesday to repair the country’s rickety wooden bridges. “A recent survey of wood-and-rope bridges throughout the United States found that most are unsafe for travel due to heavily frayed ropes and planks that have decayed to the point of imminent collapse, putting far too many adventurous and treasure-seeking Americans in danger,” said Foxx, adding that any wooden bridge repair bill put forth by Congress must include a substantial investment to fix the many long gaps of broken and missing slats that Americans can only currently traverse via treacherous leaps. “Sadly, there have already been numerous reports of these frail, swaying bridges failing in various parts of the country, oftentimes just mere moments after an individual finishes crossing them, typically leaving their traveling companion stranded on the other side, or worse, clinging precariously to a sheer cliff face. This is simply unthinkable in a nation as advanced as ours.” Foxx added that, unless sufficient funding was authorized in the near future, he would have no choice but to close many of the rickety wooden bridges nationwide, forcing Americans to make longer and more difficult commutes over rushing rivers by walking across the backs of full-grown crocodiles.

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