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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Travel Channel Blows Its 'Bed And Breakfasts Of New England' Wad

GARRETT, MD—After airing four consecutive days of programming devoted to mulled cider, antique weather vanes, and changing foliage, the Travel Channel effectively blew its New- England-bed-and-breakfast wad Monday with 8 weeks of autumn still to go. "I guess we just got a little too worked up over these charming rustic retreats, and ended shooting our whole damn load," said Travel Channel president Patrick Younge, admitting that for the rest of the season the network will rely primarily on warmed-over Bermuda and Bourdain. "The whole thing's pretty embarrassing. I was sure we'd last a lot longer this year." According to media analysts, no one has shit the bed this bad since the Weather Channel went balls out with its hurricane-season coverage in 2006.

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