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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Travel Channel Blows Its 'Bed And Breakfasts Of New England' Wad

GARRETT, MD—After airing four consecutive days of programming devoted to mulled cider, antique weather vanes, and changing foliage, the Travel Channel effectively blew its New- England-bed-and-breakfast wad Monday with 8 weeks of autumn still to go. "I guess we just got a little too worked up over these charming rustic retreats, and ended shooting our whole damn load," said Travel Channel president Patrick Younge, admitting that for the rest of the season the network will rely primarily on warmed-over Bermuda and Bourdain. "The whole thing's pretty embarrassing. I was sure we'd last a lot longer this year." According to media analysts, no one has shit the bed this bad since the Weather Channel went balls out with its hurricane-season coverage in 2006.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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