Travolta Hospitalized With Critically Low E-Meter Reading

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FBI Chief Releases Composite Sketch Of Dream House

WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, FBI director Louis Freeh released an artist’s rendering Monday of the home he has dreamed of all his life. "We must find this home," a determined Freeh told an assemblage of FBI agents and reporters. “Just look at the outside. That’s cedar paneling. I’ll never have to paint." Distinguishing features of the house, Freeh said, include a circular driveway, tennis court and wrought-iron lattice-work fence. "The FBI has made the search for this lovely house a top priority," Freeh said. “We will not rest until I am relaxing in this sunken marble bathtub."

134-Year-Old Man Attributes Longevity To Typographical Error

NEW ORLEANS—Area dock worker Bert Greer celebrated his birthday with a quiet party at his home Sunday, surrounded by family. Asked the secret to his astounding longevity, the feisty 134-year-old credited "healthy eating, a good walk every evening, and a Social Security worker’s accidental striking of an extra digit while typing in my age." The remarkable Greer, who remembers meeting President Lyndon Johnson as a young boy, said he has “no plans to retire any time soon.”

Tractor Pulls Now Number-One Use For U.S. Tractors

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a survey released Friday by the Department of Agriculture, after more than 150 years on top, farming is no longer the number-one use for tractors in the U.S., surpassed by tractor-pull competitions. "Fortunately for tractor manufacturers like John Deere," said Agriculture Secretary Dan Glickman, "Americans’ declining interest in farm-based crop-tilling has been offset by a rising interest in stadium-based ass-kicking."

Santa Claus Killed In Electric-Razor Crash

STAMFORD, CT—Noted philanthropic elf Santa Claus was killed Monday in an electric-razor crash during a practice run for his annual global gift delivery. According to witnesses, at 11:20 p.m., while riding over an icy embankment, Claus lost control of the Norelco razor he was piloting, sending him careening into a suburban home. Long believed immortal, Claus was pulled from the mangled razor and rushed to a local hospital, where he was pronounced dead. "We are shocked and saddened by this tragedy," Norelco CEO Steve Drucker said. "This is a terrible loss, not only for the Norelco family, but for all the children of the world." Control of KringCo, Santa’s massive non-profit toy-distribution franchise, was transferred to former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, widely known to possess the same magic powers as Claus. Children are advised that Dr. Kissinger prefers "a nice green salad or fruit plate" to cookies.

African Child Dies Despite Merlin Olsen Endorsement

AKOBO, SUDAN—Despite a high-profile media endorsement featuring touching piano music, soft-focus photography, and the star power of former NFL great and television personality Merlin Olsen, Sudanese child Nwangi Botusa died Monday of what medical-relief authorities are calling "starvation."

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Late Night

Travolta Hospitalized With Critically Low E-Meter Reading

LOS ANGELES—Actor John Travolta was rushed to UCLA Medical Center Monday with a near-fatal tone-scale reading of 0.5, or "grief."

Film star John Travolta, who was rushed to UCLA Medical Center Monday with a near-fatal tone-scale reading of 0.5.

Travolta, who has since been upgraded to 2.5, or "boredom," was quickly revived by emergency-room technicians, attending physician Stephen Citarella said.

"Mr. Travolta was in extremely serious condition when he was brought in, but fortunately, he responded well to emergency touch-assist treatment and quickly began making rudimentary wins," Citarella said. "It's just lucky that his emergent condition was discovered before he completely went out of affinity with MEST."

Travolta, star of Perfect and Staying Alive, was at home at approximately 10 a.m. when he reported feeling faint. A subsequent Electropsychometer audit by his personal physician revealed an alarmingly low tone, and he was assigned a condition of doubt and rushed to the hospital.

Doctors are still uncertain as to what caused the longtime Clear's condition to deteriorate so rapidly.

"It is quite a puzzle," UCLA Medical Center chief of staff Ronald Offerman said. "Mr. Travolta's reactive mind could be inhibited by an engram, if not secondaries and locks as well, throwing out the correctness of his computations. But how an engram or even a chain could have entered the reactive mind of an Operating Thetan like Mr. Travolta is hard to explain."

"This is more serious than mere overts and withholds," UCLA's Dr. Randy Ferber said. "While more tests still need to be done, I suspect that an immense entheta implant, R6 or worse, has knocked Travolta down the bridge. It may even be possible that this occurred far back on his time track, and I don't have to tell you the shocking implications of that."

Travolta's medical diagnosis.

Travolta's hospitalization has sparked an outpouring of support: The star has received thousands of cards, flowers and letters from concerned fans and fellow celebrities, including Tom Cruise, Kirstie Alley, Chick Corea and internationally renowned rock bassist Billy Sheehan.

While many experts believe Travolta's illness is engram-related, Dr. Tobias Welch, the star's personal physician, has not ruled out the possibility that the problem occurred during training for OT Levels.

"John may have been given some squirreled tech, in which case we would have to involve the RTC and unhat his Course Supervisor," Welch said. "This condition could have been exacerbated if he read some training materials and went past a word he didn't understand."

Misunderstood words are one of three barriers to learning identified by Welch, a revolutionary in the field of education as well as a master cinematographer, adventurer, philosopher, author, poet, humanitarian, administrator, yachtsman, artist, composer, lyricist, war hero and nuclear physicist.

When asked whether Travolta's condition could be traced to Xenu, the intergalactic overlord who imprisoned countless thetans on Earth 75 million years ago, Welch said: "I don't know what you're talking about."

Doctors have also left open a small but distinct possibility that Travolta—who was slated to begin work this week on his next film, the sci-fi epic Battlefield Earth—was poisoned.

"Certainly, a chemical contamination might be the explanation," Citarella said. "His food or water could have been tampered with by a wog, or maybe even an SP. Or, a psychiatrist or some other dead agent might have poisoned him with the killer drug Prozac, though it would've had to have been a very small amount to explain the minor extent of damage. But Mr. Travolta will be given a full Purif Rundown, just to be safe."

While no charges have been filed, Travolta's wife, actress Kelly Preston, was called in for "routine questioning" Tuesday by LAPD officials, who have left open the possibility that she somehow enturbulated her husband.

"We cannot afford to rule out anything at this point," LAPD spokesperson Frank Pistone said. "Mr. Travolta's wife may be a Potential Trouble Source, or even, shocking as it may seem, suppressive."

If found to be suppressive, Preston could be RPFed, declared or even disconnected by Travolta.

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