Travolta Hospitalized With Critically Low E-Meter Reading

Top Headlines

Recent News

New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Late Night

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Travolta Hospitalized With Critically Low E-Meter Reading

LOS ANGELES—Actor John Travolta was rushed to UCLA Medical Center Monday with a near-fatal tone-scale reading of 0.5, or "grief."

Film star John Travolta, who was rushed to UCLA Medical Center Monday with a near-fatal tone-scale reading of 0.5.

Travolta, who has since been upgraded to 2.5, or "boredom," was quickly revived by emergency-room technicians, attending physician Stephen Citarella said.

"Mr. Travolta was in extremely serious condition when he was brought in, but fortunately, he responded well to emergency touch-assist treatment and quickly began making rudimentary wins," Citarella said. "It's just lucky that his emergent condition was discovered before he completely went out of affinity with MEST."

Travolta, star of Perfect and Staying Alive, was at home at approximately 10 a.m. when he reported feeling faint. A subsequent Electropsychometer audit by his personal physician revealed an alarmingly low tone, and he was assigned a condition of doubt and rushed to the hospital.

Doctors are still uncertain as to what caused the longtime Clear's condition to deteriorate so rapidly.

"It is quite a puzzle," UCLA Medical Center chief of staff Ronald Offerman said. "Mr. Travolta's reactive mind could be inhibited by an engram, if not secondaries and locks as well, throwing out the correctness of his computations. But how an engram or even a chain could have entered the reactive mind of an Operating Thetan like Mr. Travolta is hard to explain."

"This is more serious than mere overts and withholds," UCLA's Dr. Randy Ferber said. "While more tests still need to be done, I suspect that an immense entheta implant, R6 or worse, has knocked Travolta down the bridge. It may even be possible that this occurred far back on his time track, and I don't have to tell you the shocking implications of that."

Travolta's medical diagnosis.

Travolta's hospitalization has sparked an outpouring of support: The star has received thousands of cards, flowers and letters from concerned fans and fellow celebrities, including Tom Cruise, Kirstie Alley, Chick Corea and internationally renowned rock bassist Billy Sheehan.

While many experts believe Travolta's illness is engram-related, Dr. Tobias Welch, the star's personal physician, has not ruled out the possibility that the problem occurred during training for OT Levels.

"John may have been given some squirreled tech, in which case we would have to involve the RTC and unhat his Course Supervisor," Welch said. "This condition could have been exacerbated if he read some training materials and went past a word he didn't understand."

Misunderstood words are one of three barriers to learning identified by Welch, a revolutionary in the field of education as well as a master cinematographer, adventurer, philosopher, author, poet, humanitarian, administrator, yachtsman, artist, composer, lyricist, war hero and nuclear physicist.

When asked whether Travolta's condition could be traced to Xenu, the intergalactic overlord who imprisoned countless thetans on Earth 75 million years ago, Welch said: "I don't know what you're talking about."

Doctors have also left open a small but distinct possibility that Travolta—who was slated to begin work this week on his next film, the sci-fi epic Battlefield Earth—was poisoned.

"Certainly, a chemical contamination might be the explanation," Citarella said. "His food or water could have been tampered with by a wog, or maybe even an SP. Or, a psychiatrist or some other dead agent might have poisoned him with the killer drug Prozac, though it would've had to have been a very small amount to explain the minor extent of damage. But Mr. Travolta will be given a full Purif Rundown, just to be safe."

While no charges have been filed, Travolta's wife, actress Kelly Preston, was called in for "routine questioning" Tuesday by LAPD officials, who have left open the possibility that she somehow enturbulated her husband.

"We cannot afford to rule out anything at this point," LAPD spokesperson Frank Pistone said. "Mr. Travolta's wife may be a Potential Trouble Source, or even, shocking as it may seem, suppressive."

If found to be suppressive, Preston could be RPFed, declared or even disconnected by Travolta.

Next Story