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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Trent Green Holds Press Conference To Announce Long String Of Vowels

MIAMI—Just two days after he was knocked unconscious by a violent blow to the head and carried off the field on a stretcher, concussed and disoriented Dolphins quarterback Trent Green called a press conference Tuesday in order to address reporters with a series of sustained, low-pitched vowel sounds. "Oooooooooooo, eeeeeeooooooooo oooouuuuoooooo uuuueeeooo," moaned the 13-year veteran, addressing questions about his fitness after suffering a grade-three concussion when Texans defensive tackle Travis Johnson's knee collided with the side of his head as he attempted to cut-block the 315-pound player. "Aaaaaaaaa aaaaaaa aaaaa a aieeeeee-aaaaaaa aaa ooo aaaauuuuuuuuuuu, ai ai ai… ai aaaaaaoooooo." While doctors said Green was far from ready to return to the playing field, drive a car, or dress himself, they did feel that in three to six weeks, he would have recovered sufficiently to retire from football under his own power.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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