Trial Separation Works Out Great

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Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
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Report: One In Three Americans Will Get Dessert If Someone Else Does

WASHINGTON—Noting that many of those surveyed reported feeling kind of full but could “probably make room” for ice cream or pie, a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that nearly a third of Americans would be willing to get dessert if someone else does.

Trial Separation Works Out Great

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Both Marlene and Paul Hirsh reported Monday that the first four weeks of their trial separation have gone surprisingly well.

Marlene and Paul Hirsh somehow carry on during their fourth week apart.

"I thought I'd really miss Paul, but I've been staying with my friend Lisa [Hoffmann], and we've been having a total blast shopping and drinking margaritas," Marlene said. "It was really a big step to do this, but so far, the separation has been working out just great."

Marlene said the couple split up temporarily on Nov. 2, after almost a year of mutual dissatisfaction with the marriage.

"Paul and I would argue, but the real problem was that we were both unhappy," Marlene said. "After a long talk, we decided that living apart for a couple of months would help us get our heads in the right place, and then we could re-commit to our marriage. I think it must be working, because our problems have hardly been bothering me at all lately."

Marlene and Paul rarely spent even a weekend away from each other after they were married in September 1999. However, both have reportedly made the most of the post-separation "me time."

"I feel great," Paul said. "I've been having a ball hanging out with the guys, working on my car, and just doing whatever the hell I want. And I can't remember when I've gotten this much exercise. I've even started playing basketball with the guys from work. I'm really going to miss that when Marlene and I get back together."

Marlene has been enjoying the relationship-strengthening period, as well.

"I've been taking a Pilates class, and Lisa and I have gone to a ton of movies," Marlene said. "All of a sudden, there's so much more to do than read in bed while Paul plays online Scrabble."

Both Paul and Marlene have successfully used the trial separation to reflect on the shortcomings of the marriage.

"I definitely have decided that, when we get back together, I need to spend more time by myself," Marlene said. "I never realized how much I'd let Paul's interests—or lack thereof—take over. Now, I can go anywhere I want without Paul grilling me. I go to the park just to hang out, and I'm joining a community theater group with my friend Neil. There's so much I want to explore before we get our marriage back on track."

Marlene and Paul both said the trial separation has been "liberating," and both expressed confidence that it will help them resolve their marital problems.

"We keep meaning to get together for lunch and talk about everything, but the date has been pushed back a few times," Paul said. "We call each other a couple times a week to see how things are going, if we're not too busy. But there's no way that the separation will work if we don't give each other a lot of space. Part of marriage is respecting your loved one's personal time."

"In fact, maybe giving each other even more space would help our marriage even more," Paul added. "I'm thinking of getting a leave of absence from work to go visit my brother in Alaska for a few months."

Marlene and Paul agreed that the trial separation is incomplete, and that more time apart is needed in order to really strengthen the marriage.

"Marlene is great, but her mood swings are a real downer," Paul said. "It's nice to know that I can leave the cap off the toothpaste or forget a few dirty dishes in the sink without someone tearing my head off. I'm certainly in no hurry to change that."

"I want to start a family someday, and Paul does, too—or at least he says he does," Marlene said. "Once you have kids, you don't have the time to go barhopping or take a weekend getaway to the Florida Keys. Paul and I need to get this stuff out of our systems if we're going to spend the rest of our lives raising children together."

Added Marlene: "Besides, things are going so well right now. Why cut the separation short?"

Marlene also said the trial separation has opened her eyes to Birmingham's dating scene and her own marketability.

"I thought that, as a divorced, 34-year-old woman, finding a date would be hard," she said. "Boy, was I wrong. A few days after Paul and I split up, Lisa took me to this club, and three cute guys hit on me. I told the cutest one about my situation with Paul, and he gave me his number and told me to call him if things don't work out."

Dr. Oliver Hall, author of Falling Apart, Staying Together, said trial separations, once viewed with skepticism, can be effective in rebuilding troubled relationships.

"Married couples shouldn't be afraid of a separation," Hall said. "Time apart can provide spouses with the space they need to explore their true feelings. Another plus is that a separation can give you the taste of freedom you need to force you to get the hell out of a dead-end marriage. Really, it's a win-win situation."