adBlockCheck

Trial Separation Works Out Great

Top Headlines

Local

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

You To Still Die One Day

Did You Forget About That For A Minute?

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Trial Separation Works Out Great

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Both Marlene and Paul Hirsh reported Monday that the first four weeks of their trial separation have gone surprisingly well.

Marlene and Paul Hirsh somehow carry on during their fourth week apart.

"I thought I'd really miss Paul, but I've been staying with my friend Lisa [Hoffmann], and we've been having a total blast shopping and drinking margaritas," Marlene said. "It was really a big step to do this, but so far, the separation has been working out just great."

Marlene said the couple split up temporarily on Nov. 2, after almost a year of mutual dissatisfaction with the marriage.

"Paul and I would argue, but the real problem was that we were both unhappy," Marlene said. "After a long talk, we decided that living apart for a couple of months would help us get our heads in the right place, and then we could re-commit to our marriage. I think it must be working, because our problems have hardly been bothering me at all lately."

Marlene and Paul rarely spent even a weekend away from each other after they were married in September 1999. However, both have reportedly made the most of the post-separation "me time."

"I feel great," Paul said. "I've been having a ball hanging out with the guys, working on my car, and just doing whatever the hell I want. And I can't remember when I've gotten this much exercise. I've even started playing basketball with the guys from work. I'm really going to miss that when Marlene and I get back together."

Marlene has been enjoying the relationship-strengthening period, as well.

"I've been taking a Pilates class, and Lisa and I have gone to a ton of movies," Marlene said. "All of a sudden, there's so much more to do than read in bed while Paul plays online Scrabble."

Both Paul and Marlene have successfully used the trial separation to reflect on the shortcomings of the marriage.

"I definitely have decided that, when we get back together, I need to spend more time by myself," Marlene said. "I never realized how much I'd let Paul's interests—or lack thereof—take over. Now, I can go anywhere I want without Paul grilling me. I go to the park just to hang out, and I'm joining a community theater group with my friend Neil. There's so much I want to explore before we get our marriage back on track."

Marlene and Paul both said the trial separation has been "liberating," and both expressed confidence that it will help them resolve their marital problems.

"We keep meaning to get together for lunch and talk about everything, but the date has been pushed back a few times," Paul said. "We call each other a couple times a week to see how things are going, if we're not too busy. But there's no way that the separation will work if we don't give each other a lot of space. Part of marriage is respecting your loved one's personal time."

"In fact, maybe giving each other even more space would help our marriage even more," Paul added. "I'm thinking of getting a leave of absence from work to go visit my brother in Alaska for a few months."

Marlene and Paul agreed that the trial separation is incomplete, and that more time apart is needed in order to really strengthen the marriage.

"Marlene is great, but her mood swings are a real downer," Paul said. "It's nice to know that I can leave the cap off the toothpaste or forget a few dirty dishes in the sink without someone tearing my head off. I'm certainly in no hurry to change that."

"I want to start a family someday, and Paul does, too—or at least he says he does," Marlene said. "Once you have kids, you don't have the time to go barhopping or take a weekend getaway to the Florida Keys. Paul and I need to get this stuff out of our systems if we're going to spend the rest of our lives raising children together."

Added Marlene: "Besides, things are going so well right now. Why cut the separation short?"

Marlene also said the trial separation has opened her eyes to Birmingham's dating scene and her own marketability.

"I thought that, as a divorced, 34-year-old woman, finding a date would be hard," she said. "Boy, was I wrong. A few days after Paul and I split up, Lisa took me to this club, and three cute guys hit on me. I told the cutest one about my situation with Paul, and he gave me his number and told me to call him if things don't work out."

Dr. Oliver Hall, author of Falling Apart, Staying Together, said trial separations, once viewed with skepticism, can be effective in rebuilding troubled relationships.

"Married couples shouldn't be afraid of a separation," Hall said. "Time apart can provide spouses with the space they need to explore their true feelings. Another plus is that a separation can give you the taste of freedom you need to force you to get the hell out of a dead-end marriage. Really, it's a win-win situation."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close