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Trio Of Cutups Attempts To Hide Horse From Landlord

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Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Trio Of Cutups Attempts To Hide Horse From Landlord

LOS ANGELES—Confusion, embarrassment, and severe cranial trauma were the order of the day Tuesday, when local numbskulls Louis Feinberg, Moses Horwitz, and Jerome Horwitz constructed a horse stall in their bathroom and attempted to hide it from landlord Theodore Healy. "Apparently, the plan was to run a cargo-hauling business from their apartment," Healy said. "But in the end, as is the case with everything these three nutballs do, their crazy scheme went awry." According to Healy, the trio attempted to mask whinnying noises coming from their bathroom by coughing, and explained the large bales of straw in their closet by saying that they were "homesick for Nebraska."

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