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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Trio Of Cutups Attempts To Hide Horse From Landlord

LOS ANGELES—Confusion, embarrassment, and severe cranial trauma were the order of the day Tuesday, when local numbskulls Louis Feinberg, Moses Horwitz, and Jerome Horwitz constructed a horse stall in their bathroom and attempted to hide it from landlord Theodore Healy. "Apparently, the plan was to run a cargo-hauling business from their apartment," Healy said. "But in the end, as is the case with everything these three nutballs do, their crazy scheme went awry." According to Healy, the trio attempted to mask whinnying noises coming from their bathroom by coughing, and explained the large bales of straw in their closet by saying that they were "homesick for Nebraska."

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