Trip To Native American Museum Turns Into Cigarette-Buying Spree

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Trip To Native American Museum Turns Into Cigarette-Buying Spree

WABENO, WI—A visit to a Native American museum deteriorated into a cigarette-buying spree Sunday, when Milwaukee couple Tracie Hagen and Adam Bersold were lured away from the Potawatomi Historical Center by the chance to buy tax-free cigarettes at a nearby smoke shop.

Hagen and Bersold outside the museum.

"You wouldn't believe the deals they've got up there," said Bersold, 22, clutching several cartons of Marlboro Lights. "And it's all tax-free. If you're anywhere in the area, you definitely have to check it out."

Hagen and Bersold said their original motive for the trip to the Potawatomi reservation was to visit the museum and to climb Sugar Bush Hill, the third-highest point in Wisconsin.

"We thought it would be a nice way to spend a Sunday," said Bersold, who has smoked since he was 15. "It's a real pretty drive up there, and we're both into Native American culture. Tracie has three dreamcatchers, and she once gave me a book of Native American lore. I haven't read it yet, but it looks pretty cool."

Minutes after the couple arrived, their plans were derailed when they saw a sign for the Fire-Up Smoke Shop.

"Adam said we should stop in since he was out of cigarettes," Hagen said. "At first, I didn't want to go in, because I figured all they'd have were American Spirits or pouches of loose tobacco, like Drum. Since I like Newport Lights, I tried to convince Adam to just go to the convenience store up the road. Boy, he won't let me live that down anytime soon."

Upon entering the smoke shop, Bersold and Hagen found a dazzling array of cigarettes, including their respective favorite brands, at deeply discounted prices.

"A carton of Marlboro Lights at the grocery store costs like $50," Bersold said. "At this place, it was $31. It was like striking gold. I told Tracie we should do all our cigarette shopping here from now on. She was like, 'Hell, yeah.'"

One of the many culturally enriching and educational exhibits Bersold and Hagen skipped to buy discount cigarettes (inset).

After buying two cartons each of Marlboro Lights and Newport Lights, the couple headed to the Potawatomi Historical Center. But after only 25 minutes at the museum, they decided to head back to the tobacco store to squeeze in a few more purchases before it closed.

"The Fire-Up was down the road [from the museum] a bit, and Tracie said she thought they closed at 4," Bersold said. "It was almost 3, so we took off just to be on the safe side. On our way out of the museum, I stopped for a second at a display showing how the Potawatomi dried and stored food for the harsh Wisconsin winter, but Tracie said we should get going."

During their brief time in the museum, Bersold and Hagen learned little about the history or culture of the Potawatomi. Instead of focusing on the museum's many interesting exhibits, which include a full-scale replica of a Potawatomi dugout canoe, they spent nearly the entire time on their cellphones calling friends who smoke to see if they wanted to "get in on" a large cigarette purchase.

The response was overwhelming.

"In all, we had to pick up about 20 cartons for people," Hagen said. "About half of them were for my brother Troy, who sounded like he'd won the lottery when we told him about it. And we picked up a couple more cartons each for ourselves. Thank God for credit cards, because we only had about $50 on us. It would've been a real shame if we hadn't had enough money to buy all the cigarettes we wanted."

Though the couple never made it to Sugar Bush Hill, the trip to the Potawatami reservation was "well worth it."

"I learned a lot at the museum," Bersold said, "like, that Potawatomi means 'people in the place of fire.' Also, I saw this map that, I think, indicated that the Potawatomi were once in Michigan. Or maybe that they still are. I'm not really sure. I was on the phone with Brad from work when I saw it."

"Anyway, there's one thing I am sure about," Bersold continued. "I'm never paying full price for smokes again."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close