Trivial Point Of Order Electrifies Golf World

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Vol 46 Issue 33

NFL Punters Lobby Congress For More Fakes

WASHINGTON—High-ranking NFL punters met with members of Congress Tuesday to lobby for legislation that would significantly increase the number of fake punts across the league.

U.S. Call Centers Cost Same As India

According to the head of the largest call center outsourcing firm in the country, the poor job market has made the cost of hiring a call center worker in the United States the same as hiring one in India.

Mysterious Crate Arrives From London

DOCKSIDE, NEW ENGLAND—Shipman and stevedore alike confirmed that the crate is unpleasantly cold to the touch, and none reportedly wished to remain in its presence for long.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Originality

Trivial Point Of Order Electrifies Golf World

SHEBOYGAN, WI—A niggling little golf rule unheard of by most Americans infused the PGA Tour with more excitement last week than at any other time this season, tour officials, fans, and players confirmed Sunday. "Dustin Johnson illegally grounding his club because of an inability to determine whether or not he was in a sand trap or waste area was exactly the shot in the arm the PGA Tour needed," Commissioner Tim Finchem told a throng of excited reporters, referring to the minor rules violation that eliminated the 26-year-old golfer from a playoff to determine the PGA champion and galvanized fans worldwide. "Rule 13-4 is just awesome. Only golf can bring that kind of excitement." Finchem said he hasn't been this energized about the game since Phil Mickelson's wedge controversy back in January.

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