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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Trivial Point Of Order Electrifies Golf World

SHEBOYGAN, WI—A niggling little golf rule unheard of by most Americans infused the PGA Tour with more excitement last week than at any other time this season, tour officials, fans, and players confirmed Sunday. "Dustin Johnson illegally grounding his club because of an inability to determine whether or not he was in a sand trap or waste area was exactly the shot in the arm the PGA Tour needed," Commissioner Tim Finchem told a throng of excited reporters, referring to the minor rules violation that eliminated the 26-year-old golfer from a playoff to determine the PGA champion and galvanized fans worldwide. "Rule 13-4 is just awesome. Only golf can bring that kind of excitement." Finchem said he hasn't been this energized about the game since Phil Mickelson's wedge controversy back in January.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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