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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Trivial Pursuit Game Reveals Man Lacks Knowledge Of Basic Social Skills

DENVER—According to sources who played Trivial Pursuit with local man Derek Watkins last night, the hour-long question-and-answer contest revealed the 30-year-old attorney's glaring lack of knowledge of even the most fundamental social skills. "It became obvious pretty early in the game that Derek was at a complete loss on questions of social propriety and everyday human interaction," acquaintance Sheila Chiu said of the man who could reportedly name all five Allied beachheads at Normandy, yet displayed a conspicuous unfamiliarity with such categories as acting genially toward teammates, avoiding vociferous gloating, allowing others the opportunity to roll the die, and not repeatedly belittling the intelligence of one's fiancée in front of mutual friends. "Derek clearly had no clue on certain subjects, like having a fun and relaxing time with friends and not being a complete asshole. Though he did get all the sports questions right." Sources confirmed a subsequent game of Apples to Apples allowed Watkins to showcase his boundless ability to generate excuses for coming in last.

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