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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Trivial Pursuit Game Reveals Man Lacks Knowledge Of Basic Social Skills

DENVER—According to sources who played Trivial Pursuit with local man Derek Watkins last night, the hour-long question-and-answer contest revealed the 30-year-old attorney's glaring lack of knowledge of even the most fundamental social skills. "It became obvious pretty early in the game that Derek was at a complete loss on questions of social propriety and everyday human interaction," acquaintance Sheila Chiu said of the man who could reportedly name all five Allied beachheads at Normandy, yet displayed a conspicuous unfamiliarity with such categories as acting genially toward teammates, avoiding vociferous gloating, allowing others the opportunity to roll the die, and not repeatedly belittling the intelligence of one's fiancée in front of mutual friends. "Derek clearly had no clue on certain subjects, like having a fun and relaxing time with friends and not being a complete asshole. Though he did get all the sports questions right." Sources confirmed a subsequent game of Apples to Apples allowed Watkins to showcase his boundless ability to generate excuses for coming in last.

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