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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Trivial Pursuit Game Reveals Man Lacks Knowledge Of Basic Social Skills

DENVER—According to sources who played Trivial Pursuit with local man Derek Watkins last night, the hour-long question-and-answer contest revealed the 30-year-old attorney's glaring lack of knowledge of even the most fundamental social skills. "It became obvious pretty early in the game that Derek was at a complete loss on questions of social propriety and everyday human interaction," acquaintance Sheila Chiu said of the man who could reportedly name all five Allied beachheads at Normandy, yet displayed a conspicuous unfamiliarity with such categories as acting genially toward teammates, avoiding vociferous gloating, allowing others the opportunity to roll the die, and not repeatedly belittling the intelligence of one's fiancée in front of mutual friends. "Derek clearly had no clue on certain subjects, like having a fun and relaxing time with friends and not being a complete asshole. Though he did get all the sports questions right." Sources confirmed a subsequent game of Apples to Apples allowed Watkins to showcase his boundless ability to generate excuses for coming in last.

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