adBlockCheck

Trojan Introduces ‘No One’s Pleasure’ Condoms For Bitter, Resentful Couples

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Trojan Introduces ‘No One’s Pleasure’ Condoms For Bitter, Resentful Couples

PRINCETON, NJ—Contraceptive manufacturer Trojan unveiled its new line of “No One’s Pleasure” condoms Wednesday, the first prophylactic specifically designed to intensify sexual dissatisfaction among bitter and resentful couples.

“We’ve always offered consumers a choice when it comes to protection, and we wanted to give emotionally distant partners an option that suits their lack of intimacy,” said Jim Daniels, vice president of marketing at Trojan. “That’s why we’ve developed the only condoms clinically proven to exploit performance anxiety, heighten discomfort levels, and prolong the petty arguments that allow couples to bicker needlessly all night long.”

According to a Trojan press release, No One’s Pleasure condoms feature a quarter-inch-thick layer of non-lubricated latex with a unique abrasive texture that creates a variety of stinging sensations “for both him and her.” The company statement goes on to explain that the product magnifies personal insecurities and awakens deep-seated, unresolved relationship issues that are “sure to raise passions and quicken your pulse.”

The cutting-edge prophylactics are also extremely tapered at their base and tip, which Trojan engineers said induces premature ejaculation and provides longer-lasting hostility and alienation. 

Lead designer Benjamin Walton said the bulky, ill-fitting sheaths greatly constrict the movement of any man who wears them and when used correctly are 98 percent effective at preventing vaginal penetration. 

“These condoms feel extremely unnatural, and their sandpaper-like texture is so rough and gritty it rubs everyone raw,” Walton said. 

Trojan confirmed that No One’s Pleasure condoms will be available in “Frigid Touch,” “Extremely Oversensitive,” and “Ultra-Chafe: Super Dry,” and will cost $20 for a three-pack, a price researchers found perfect for instigating squabbles over who has to pay.  

Many will be sold in boxes containing fewer condoms than the packaging indicates in order to arouse feelings of suspicion and jealousy and help contemptuous couples get in the right mood for unfulfilling and empty sex. 

“Just by making the wrappers a little more difficult to open we raised frustration levels by nearly two-thirds.” Walton said. “And our most successful prototypes resulted in partners either not having sex or having really angry sex for maybe five seconds.”  

Later this week Trojan will begin promoting the new product with a nationwide marketing campaign, running print ads that feature a silhouette of two people facing away from each other, arms crossed, and the product’s official slogan, “Let’s Just Get This Over With.” 

Consumers who participated in focus groups for No One’s Pleasure were impressed by the condoms’ ability to both sustain current animosities and rejuvenate old ones.

“These things are great,” said test subject 

Jerry Morelli, who explained that the condoms have helped him find new ways to loathe and disparage his wife of 15 years. “If I’m not gonna enjoy myself, I want to make damn sure she doesn’t either.”

Trojan reportedly decided to develop the new condoms after marketing research indicated the company was missing out on an entire segment of the population: the exasperated and spiteful sexual partners who account for 65 percent of all couples.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close