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Troop Gradually Withdraws

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Troop Gradually Withdraws

BAGHDAD—According to members of his squad, 22-year-old Army Pfc. Casey Schreiner, who has been stationed in Iraq's Sunni Triangle for nearly a year and a half, is nearing completion of his psychological withdrawal from the war that constantly surrounds him. "The timetable for his exit certainly isn't optimal—we still need him to stay with us," said Cpl. Chris Oswald, adding that Schreiner began pulling out mentally little by little as members of his platoon were killed by roadside bombings, sniper shootings, and various personnel carrier and helicopter crashes. "At this rate, I think he'll be completely gone by spring." U.S. and coalition commander in Iraq Lt. Gen. David Petraeus said Schreiner is just one of thousands of troops who have experienced a phased cerebral withdrawal, adding that throughout the next year an estimated 20,000 more are expected to stage a retreat from reality.

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