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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Troop Gradually Withdraws

BAGHDAD—According to members of his squad, 22-year-old Army Pfc. Casey Schreiner, who has been stationed in Iraq's Sunni Triangle for nearly a year and a half, is nearing completion of his psychological withdrawal from the war that constantly surrounds him. "The timetable for his exit certainly isn't optimal—we still need him to stay with us," said Cpl. Chris Oswald, adding that Schreiner began pulling out mentally little by little as members of his platoon were killed by roadside bombings, sniper shootings, and various personnel carrier and helicopter crashes. "At this rate, I think he'll be completely gone by spring." U.S. and coalition commander in Iraq Lt. Gen. David Petraeus said Schreiner is just one of thousands of troops who have experienced a phased cerebral withdrawal, adding that throughout the next year an estimated 20,000 more are expected to stage a retreat from reality.

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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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