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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Trouble Again In TV's Africa

ATLANTA–Once again, trouble is brewing in TV's Africa, it was reported Monday on CNN, the network that airs the long-running continent. "In last night's episode of Headline News, there was major civil unrest in Mozambique," said viewer Larry Cronin of Peekskill, NY. "One of the characters, this insane guy called General Abuye, was waving this huge machete in front of a burning village. It was crazy. But then there was this really sad part, where this whole refugee camp full of AIDS-infected orphans were starving. I wonder what'll happen tonight." Africa, TV's 17th-rated geographic area this season, has not been number one in the News Nielsens since 1985, the year the Bob Geldof-hosted "Live Aid Airlift" season finale drew a record 45 million viewers.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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