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Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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Trouser Downsizing Threatens Raver Industry

NEW YORK—As trouser downsizing continues throughout the troubled economy and budget cuts threaten employees' pants security, many workers in legwear-based fields have come to fear the worst.

But though trouser downsizing affects virtually all Americans, the hardest hit are those in the country's $2.1 billion domestic raving industry, who depend on trouser size for their very survival. Trouser downsizing for them is no mere media buzzword, but a serious threat to their way of life.

"Without dope-ass phat gear, I will not be able to rave nearly as effectively as I have done in the past," said Minneapolis-area raver Mark the Phonky Alien, whose overall trouser volume has decreased more than 40 percent in the last six months due to fabric cutbacks. "I cannot drop crazy, low-end bass, I cannot freak the turntables, and I cannot put food on the table for my family. It's that simple."

All across America, an increasing number of raving-industry workers are afraid of losing their pants, watching helplessly as their trousers continue to decrease in size. Many have been forced to endure cuffs that stop short of the foot, leaving the entire top of the shoe exposed.

In some of the worst-hit areas, such as New York's SoHo and Greenwich Village, massive denim shortages have caused the price of oversized pants to nearly triple. Many of these New York ravers, unable to afford the high prices, have actually been forced to abandon their dope, oversized Fuct and Alien Workshop-brand gear altogether, trading them in for humiliatingly narrow $30 Levi's "slim fits."

"Phat-ass gear is going the way of the dinosaur, and no one in the society at large seems to be doing anything about it," said out-of-work Chicago raver DJ Free MDMA, 20, whose straight-leg jeans barely even sag at the crotch. "Just look at me. I look ridiculous. It hurts to admit it, but I've even started wearing khakis on weekdays, just to make ends meet."

"They're Dockers," he added tearfully. "They're even pleated."

Raving-industry insiders say the situation is only going to get worse.

"Unchecked, unregulated trouser growth throughout the early '90s resulted in a rate of denim use that simply could not sustain itself," said Anson Farber of Princeton's Institute For Trouser Studies. "Trouser mergers throughout the decade, in which as many as three or four pants worth of fabric were combined into a single pair of trousers, created an unstable leg-width situation that continues to this day. A collapse of the nation's drastically overinflated pants was inevitable."

According to Farber, by as early as 1998 we may begin seeing ravers in shorts.

DJ Freek Malik, who spins Friday nights at Miami's famed Club 808, has mounted an effort to fight back. Collecting fabric donations from every available source, Malik's organization, PhatNow!, is attempting to provide trouser relief for Miami-area ravers, adding desperately needed volume to their pants.

But even Malik admits it is an uphill climb. "A lot of ravers use their pants to provide a place to crash for friends who've been kicked out of their parents' houses," he said. "What are they supposed to say? 'I'm sorry, but my pants just aren't big enough for the both of us anymore, I'm kicking you out on the street'?"

"It's sad," Malik added, sighing. "Many of these kids have had no choice but to give up raving altogether and try to find work elsewhere, often as goths."

Yet despite the hardship, many ravers remain optimistic about the future. "I hear there's gonna be a big rave in Phoenix this weekend," said Brianna Dunham, 18, a Tempe, AZ, raver. "This one guy Dean's got a car. We're all going. I can't wait."

Sadly, that's all the nation's ravers can do—wait. And hope that trouser downsizing won't ultimately leave them high and dry.

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