Trouser Downsizing Threatens Raver Industry

In This Section

Vol 31 Issue 18

Ass-Kisser Promoted

PROVIDENCE, RI—The age-old practice of brown-nosing was rewarded yet again with the promotion of ass-kissing toady Howard MacInnis.

Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia 2-To-1

CHICAGO—In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated are breeding twice as fast and twice as often as its educated. "The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional," study leader Kenneth Stalls said. "America's intellectual elite, as a result, are badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born for every one generation of cultured literates." Added Stalls: "At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with their like." High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, "All I know is, we're in love."

ABC Announces Ellen Will Come Out In Every Episode

BURBANK, CA—In an effort to maintain the stunning 36.2 rating for Ellen's recent coming-out episode, ABC announced Monday that the show's main character will discover that she is a lesbian on every future episode of the show. "We don't want to give too much away," said ABC programming VP Fred Gamble, "but Ellen is going to make a shocking announcement this Wednesday. And every Wednesday after that."

Scientists Discover Perfect Little Out-Of-The-Way Place

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After years spent carefully exploring virtually every eatery in the Boston area, MIT scientists announced Tuesday the discovery of the perfect little out-of-the-way place. "Verbal data collected from Mary Watkiss, a secretary in MIT's Physics Building, indicated the presence of a great new lunch cafe in the region of Fourth Street and Huron," said MIT team leader Dr. John Penrose. "Intrigued, we launched a probe into the structure. Within an hour, we received evidence of a $5.99 pasta primavera dish, a delicious caesar's salad with homemade bleu cheese dressing, and a light, flaky raspberry torte." In the wake of the discovery, a manned mission of 10 scientists will voyage to the cafe Wednesday to collect actual food samples and closely observe the eatery's stylish, relaxed interior, which feels more spacious than it is. In honor of the secretary who made the discovery, MIT has named the new eatery "Watkiss Alpha Prime," despite the insistence of the cafe's manager that the establishment is already named "Salads 'n' More."

Secretary Of Education Under Investigation For Falsifying Hall Passes

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, U.S. Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY) called for a special investigative panel to look into allegations that U.S. Secretary of Education Richard Riley forged hall passes for personal use. "Riley occupies the most powerful position in American education and has almost unlimited access to the nation's book of passes," D'Amato said. "We are determined to find out whether he has been faking signatures on hall passes to go to the bathroom and use the snack machines whenever he wants, maintaining the illusion of permission." If found guilty, Riley could face suspension and be called in, along with his parents, for a meeting with President Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Internet

Small Business

Trouser Downsizing Threatens Raver Industry

NEW YORK—As trouser downsizing continues throughout the troubled economy and budget cuts threaten employees' pants security, many workers in legwear-based fields have come to fear the worst.

But though trouser downsizing affects virtually all Americans, the hardest hit are those in the country's $2.1 billion domestic raving industry, who depend on trouser size for their very survival. Trouser downsizing for them is no mere media buzzword, but a serious threat to their way of life.

"Without dope-ass phat gear, I will not be able to rave nearly as effectively as I have done in the past," said Minneapolis-area raver Mark the Phonky Alien, whose overall trouser volume has decreased more than 40 percent in the last six months due to fabric cutbacks. "I cannot drop crazy, low-end bass, I cannot freak the turntables, and I cannot put food on the table for my family. It's that simple."

All across America, an increasing number of raving-industry workers are afraid of losing their pants, watching helplessly as their trousers continue to decrease in size. Many have been forced to endure cuffs that stop short of the foot, leaving the entire top of the shoe exposed.

In some of the worst-hit areas, such as New York's SoHo and Greenwich Village, massive denim shortages have caused the price of oversized pants to nearly triple. Many of these New York ravers, unable to afford the high prices, have actually been forced to abandon their dope, oversized Fuct and Alien Workshop-brand gear altogether, trading them in for humiliatingly narrow $30 Levi's "slim fits."

"Phat-ass gear is going the way of the dinosaur, and no one in the society at large seems to be doing anything about it," said out-of-work Chicago raver DJ Free MDMA, 20, whose straight-leg jeans barely even sag at the crotch. "Just look at me. I look ridiculous. It hurts to admit it, but I've even started wearing khakis on weekdays, just to make ends meet."

"They're Dockers," he added tearfully. "They're even pleated."

Raving-industry insiders say the situation is only going to get worse.

"Unchecked, unregulated trouser growth throughout the early '90s resulted in a rate of denim use that simply could not sustain itself," said Anson Farber of Princeton's Institute For Trouser Studies. "Trouser mergers throughout the decade, in which as many as three or four pants worth of fabric were combined into a single pair of trousers, created an unstable leg-width situation that continues to this day. A collapse of the nation's drastically overinflated pants was inevitable."

According to Farber, by as early as 1998 we may begin seeing ravers in shorts.

DJ Freek Malik, who spins Friday nights at Miami's famed Club 808, has mounted an effort to fight back. Collecting fabric donations from every available source, Malik's organization, PhatNow!, is attempting to provide trouser relief for Miami-area ravers, adding desperately needed volume to their pants.

But even Malik admits it is an uphill climb. "A lot of ravers use their pants to provide a place to crash for friends who've been kicked out of their parents' houses," he said. "What are they supposed to say? 'I'm sorry, but my pants just aren't big enough for the both of us anymore, I'm kicking you out on the street'?"

"It's sad," Malik added, sighing. "Many of these kids have had no choice but to give up raving altogether and try to find work elsewhere, often as goths."

Yet despite the hardship, many ravers remain optimistic about the future. "I hear there's gonna be a big rave in Phoenix this weekend," said Brianna Dunham, 18, a Tempe, AZ, raver. "This one guy Dean's got a car. We're all going. I can't wait."

Sadly, that's all the nation's ravers can do—wait. And hope that trouser downsizing won't ultimately leave them high and dry.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More