adBlockCheck

Sports

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
End Of Section
  • More News

Troy Aikman Becomes First Robot Inducted Into Pro Football Hall Of Fame

CANTON, OH—Troy Aikman, the blond, blue-sensored humanoid robot who led the Dallas Cowboys to three Super Bowls in his 12-year period of servitude with the team, became the first artificial construct to enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame Sunday. "No one who saw Dallas' Throwing/Running Offensive Yardage generator, or T.R.O.Y. as we called him around the shop, will forget his perfect mechanics or the cold, unemotional style he brought to the position of quarterbot," said former Cowboys offensive coordinator Norv Turner, who was responsible for writing Aikman's programs and who introduced Aikman during the induction ceremony. "If it were possible to feel love for a mere machine, I think everyone here would agree that we all might just love Troy Aikman." Aikman himself delivered a brief pre-recorded speech thanking all the technicians who made him possible before removing his head and upper torso, which will be displayed in the Hall of Fame alongside the busts of human players.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close