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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Troy Aikman Defends Disemboweling Joe Buck, Huddling Inside Corpse For Warmth

GREEN BAY, WI—His suit still smeared with the entrails and blood of his broadcasting partner, Fox color commentator Troy Aikman told reporters Monday that the sub-zero temperatures during Sunday's NFC title game necessitated gutting open play-by-by announcer Joe Buck, dumping his bowels onto the floor of the booth, and climbing inside the carcass late in the third quarter. "With the temperatures continuing to fall throughout the game, there was really little else I could do to avoid hypothermia," Aikman said, noting that his hands were so cold he was afraid of cutting his fingers off when making the incision from Buck's groin and drawing the knife up to the sternum during a TV timeout. "I hated to sacrifice Joe, but I was afraid for my life." Aikman said his colleague's sacrifice was noble in the extreme, but noted he'd thought Buck smelled bad on the outside.

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