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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Troy Aikman Fruitlessly Attempts To Conjure Super Bowl Memory For On-Air Anecdote

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Disoriented by the effects of years of violent head trauma, Fox analyst and Dallas Cowboys Hall of Famer Troy Aikman fruitlessly attempted to come up with a Super Bowl memory for an on-air anecdote during Sunday’s broadcast, sources confirmed. “When I was playing in the’94 Super Bowl, I remember Jimmy Jerry was there right when, uh, this thing happened,” said Aikman, pausing momentarily to compose his thoughts and shield his eyes from the bright stadium lights. “There was a field and it was about June, a really hot day. All around the field, guys were everywhere and I was looking at it. It was a big game. Big game…the Super Game.” According to witnesses, Aikman then suddenly perked up and welcomed viewers to the 2014 NFC Championship Game.

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