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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Troy Aikman Fruitlessly Attempts To Conjure Super Bowl Memory For On-Air Anecdote

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Disoriented by the effects of years of violent head trauma, Fox analyst and Dallas Cowboys Hall of Famer Troy Aikman fruitlessly attempted to come up with a Super Bowl memory for an on-air anecdote during Sunday’s broadcast, sources confirmed. “When I was playing in the’94 Super Bowl, I remember Jimmy Jerry was there right when, uh, this thing happened,” said Aikman, pausing momentarily to compose his thoughts and shield his eyes from the bright stadium lights. “There was a field and it was about June, a really hot day. All around the field, guys were everywhere and I was looking at it. It was a big game. Big game…the Super Game.” According to witnesses, Aikman then suddenly perked up and welcomed viewers to the 2014 NFC Championship Game.

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