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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Troy Polamalu

STRENGTHS: So good, only needs to play 75 percent of season to be named Defensive Player of the Year; eight-year veteran at strong safety, but reads offenses at a 12th-year level; is behind you right now

WEAKNESSES: Style of play should have him paralyzed by third quarter of Super Bowl; only zooms around the field to where the ball is because he wants to be included; Polamalu is actually a fictional character in Ike Taylor’s imagination, and will disappear when Taylor realizes he has been the one making the Steelers’ big plays all along

NUMBER OF TIMES TROY AIKMAN AND JOE BUCK WILL TALK ABOUT HIS HAIR: Zero—Aikman and Buck are consummate professionals who would never stoop to that level of inanity

SUPER BOWL GOAL: To play entire game without ever having his feet touch the ground

ACTUAL NAME: David Dinkus

NEXT: Mike Tomlin

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