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Troy Polamalu Lands On Injured Reserve After Feebleminded Ben Roethlisberger Accidentally Breaks His Neck

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Troy Polamalu Lands On Injured Reserve After Feebleminded Ben Roethlisberger Accidentally Breaks His Neck

PITTSBURGH—Steelers officials confirmed Thursday that strong safety Troy Polamalu has been placed on injured reserve with a broken neck following an unfortunate incident in the team barn involving dim-witted quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. “Oh no, I done a bad, bad thing,” said the hulking simpleton and two-time Pro Bowler, who reportedly furrowed his brow attempting to comprehend the situation as Polamalu remained face-down and motionless on the bed of straw. “I just wanted to touch his soft, pretty hair, that’s all. I didn’t mean to hurt him none, honest. Aw, I gonna get hell now.” At press time, Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin was reportedly speaking to Roethlisberger about the team’s bright future while pointing a Luger pistol at back of the feebleminded quarterback’s head.

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