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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Troy Polamalu Lands On Injured Reserve After Feebleminded Ben Roethlisberger Accidentally Breaks His Neck

PITTSBURGH—Steelers officials confirmed Thursday that strong safety Troy Polamalu has been placed on injured reserve with a broken neck following an unfortunate incident in the team barn involving dim-witted quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. “Oh no, I done a bad, bad thing,” said the hulking simpleton and two-time Pro Bowler, who reportedly furrowed his brow attempting to comprehend the situation as Polamalu remained face-down and motionless on the bed of straw. “I just wanted to touch his soft, pretty hair, that’s all. I didn’t mean to hurt him none, honest. Aw, I gonna get hell now.” At press time, Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin was reportedly speaking to Roethlisberger about the team’s bright future while pointing a Luger pistol at back of the feebleminded quarterback’s head.

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