‘True Blood’ Characters Openly Talking About How They Can’t Wait For Episode To End

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Vol 49 Issue 28

Study: Diet Soda Doesn’t Aid Weight Loss

A recent study by Purdue University has found that, contrary to popular thinking, drinking diet soda doesn’t aid in weight loss, and that its consumption can actually increase the likelihood of obesity and development of precursors to diabetes, card...

The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

Find cool, secluded aisle at Walgreens and generously slather on any of the wide variety of moisturizers available on the shelves Place body in cool, dark hole under 5 to 6 feet of dirt For true pain relief, morphine is really the only way to go, or obvi...

Microsoft Announces Major Company Overhaul

In a bid to compete more fiercely with competitors like Apple, Google, and Amazon, Microsoft on Thursday announced a sweeping reorganization, which officials say will help the company react more quickly to changing technology and speed up development of p...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

‘True Blood’ Characters Openly Talking About How They Can’t Wait For Episode To End

BON TEMPS, LA—During Sunday night’s installment of HBO’s supernatural drama True Blood, several characters on the show overtly mentioned that the episode was really dragging and that they couldn’t wait for it to finally end. “Christ, when is this shitty show going to be over?” said character Bill Compton to the show’s protagonist, Sookie Stackhouse, adding that he was getting “pretty tired” of speaking with “this stupid accent” all the time. “I’m sorry, but this episode sucks dick, you guys, and there’s still like five minutes left. Should we just split early? It feels like we’ve been sitting in this dumb swamp talking about dark realms and faeries for about 12 hours. Are we seriously on Season 6 of this thing?” Sam Merlotte, a shapeshifter character on the program, reportedly spent the remainder of the episode openly complaining that the scene where he was hiding from werewolves was boring and a “complete waste of [his] time.”

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