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Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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‘True Detective’ Fan Develops Elaborate Theory He Will Be Let Down By Season Finale

LANSING, MI—Claiming that the clues have been in plain sight all along, local man and diehard True Detective fan Spencer Adams, 34, told reporters Friday he has developed an elaborate theory that he will be incredibly disappointed by the show’s upcoming season finale. “If you’ve been paying close attention to each episode so far, everything points to the fact that we’re headed for a huge disappointment this Sunday,” said Adams, citing as supporting evidence the impossibly high expectations scattered throughout the crime drama’s first seven episodes and listing off a labyrinthine catalog of loose ends and unresolved plot threads that, according to his hypothesis, the HBO series cannot possibly wrap up in the season’s final 60 minutes. “I’ve been watching every shot, every cutaway intently—sometimes viewing the same episodes three or four times each—and the signs are all there: the increasingly convoluted story, the massive amounts of filler in the more recent episodes, the numerous occult references that we clearly aren’t going to get a proper explanation for. All of that makes a satisfying ending virtually impossible, and if you’ve carefully followed every onscreen moment like I have, you’ll see they’ve been making that obvious from the very start.” Adams also noted that the show has been dropping numerous hints as to the arc of its planned second season, namely that the producers will be unable to cast leads on par with Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson and that Adams will then stop watching.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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