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True Yankees, Regular Yankees To Now Wear Different Uniforms

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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True Yankees, Regular Yankees To Now Wear Different Uniforms

NEW YORK—The New York Yankees unveiled a new, lesser uniform at a press conference Tuesday in an effort to distinguish ordinary, run-of-the-mill Yankees from the "true Yankee legends who walk among us." "To have Javier Vazquez don the same pinstripes as Mariano Rivera or Jorge Posada is…well, it's unthinkable," Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said as Curtis Granderson modeled the sterile, black-and-white uniform with a large, boxy, non-interlocking "NY" stitched across the front of the chest. "The untrue Yankees will wear a blank, unfitted ball cap until they have their big Yankee moment. They'll wear their last names on the backs of their lesser uniforms as a badge of shame." When asked which uniform he was assigned, Alex Rodriguez cried for 10 minutes.

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