Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Trump Accidentally Records Over Comey Meeting Tape With Idea For Candy Hotel

WASHINGTON—Brainstorming the wondrous features and amenities as they came to him in a flash of inspiration, President Donald Trump on Wednesday accidentally recorded over the tape containing his meetings with fired FBI Director James Comey with an idea for a candy hotel. “There could be a revolving door made out of peppermint swirl, and then you walk in, and there’s a giant lobby with chocolate fountains, peanut brittle columns, and beautiful rock candy chandeliers,” said Trump into a handheld cassette recorder, replacing over 90 minutes of crucially important conversations that could be used as key evidence in determining whether obstruction of justice occurred with musings about a gumdrop garden and olympic-sized pudding pool. “The ballroom could have a hard caramel floor with ornate wall designs carved into stucco made from nougat, and then red taffy curtains and a Jolly Rancher piano—oh, and all the beds would be made out of marshmallow, and the sheets could be cotton candy.” After realizing his mistake, Trump reportedly became paranoid that if the FBI got access to the tapes, they could steal his idea.

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