Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Trump Announces 40-Month-Long Search To Fill FBI Director Post

WASHINGTON—Saying it was essential to fill the now vacant post with just the right person, President Trump announced Wednesday the start of a 40-month search to find a replacement for recently dismissed FBI director James Comey. “Whomever we appoint to run the agency must be someone of impeccable character and reputation, and finding this individual will inevitably take at least three and a half years,” said Trump, adding that it would be irresponsible to advance any open investigations until they could be overseen by a new FBI director at some point in the year 2020, though possibly at an even later date. “In fact, we must spend however many weeks, months, and years are required to find an appropriate candidate. Quantifying the time frame underestimates the difficult task at hand and the lengthy—one might even say indefinite—process to come.” Trump went on to say that given the difficulty of selecting the right successor, it was quite possible that the search would remain unfinished in his lifetime.

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