Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Trump Boys Chasing Wounded Boar Around White House

WASHINGTON—Tearing through the West Wing with guns slung over their shoulders, the Trump boys were reportedly seen Thursday chasing a wounded boar around the White House. “Look! Let’s follow that blood trail!” said Donald Jr., who had been examining a clump of damp, sticky fur clinging to a curtain in the press secretary’s office when he noticed a red trickle on the floor leading out to the West Colonnade. “I thought I had a clean kill, but I must’ve just hit his haunch! Come on, Eric! We can’t let anyone from a tour group get to it first—that’s our hog!” At press time, Donald Jr. had startled the boar in the Cabinet Room and pursued it into the Oval Office, where Eric reportedly shot the animal at point-blank range from behind the Resolute desk and giggled as the animal bled out onto the carpet’s presidential seal.

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