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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Trump Boys Chasing Wounded Boar Around White House

WASHINGTON—Tearing through the West Wing with guns slung over their shoulders, the Trump boys were reportedly seen Thursday chasing a wounded boar around the White House. “Look! Let’s follow that blood trail!” said Donald Jr., who had been examining a clump of damp, sticky fur clinging to a curtain in the press secretary’s office when he noticed a red trickle on the floor leading out to the West Colonnade. “I thought I had a clean kill, but I must’ve just hit his haunch! Come on, Eric! We can’t let anyone from a tour group get to it first—that’s our hog!” At press time, Donald Jr. had startled the boar in the Cabinet Room and pursued it into the Oval Office, where Eric reportedly shot the animal at point-blank range from behind the Resolute desk and giggled as the animal bled out onto the carpet’s presidential seal.

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